It's not a Milky Way, it's a Mars Bar

There are some who know the Mars Bar as a Milky Way, but don't be fooled, it's always been a fucking Mars Bar and it'll always be a fucking Mars Bar. The Milky Way is/was (?) similar to a Mars Bar but is/was smaller and doesn't/didn't contain the creamy caramel (the Milky Way went through some sort of transformation a while ago, I think).

Now that I find myself living in S.A, I have discovered you can buy packs of Mars Bars from the local supermarket. They're a lot more fucking expensive than I remember when I was a cub but the exquisite flavour has not diminished, especially when accompanied by a mug of tea.

Back in the day, when the grocery van came round our square, we normally had to go for the Milky Way (think it was about 10p) as the Mars Bar was considered a fucking luxury, weighing in at roughly 16p. When one was fortunate enough to have the necessary funds to purchase one, one had to take drastic measures to enjoy the tasty chocolate treat in peace. You normally had to do one of the following:

     find a quiet place and eat it like you were having an affair with a friend's mum

     spit on it to deter the vulture cunts that were your mates (wasn't always effective)

It's also worth pointing out that any chocolate bars/sweets over the average price had to be treated in the same way (Rolos, Lion Bars, Cream Eggs, etc.)

I recall one particular Saturday morning, I must have been 12 or 13, when I had enough coin to purchase a Mars Bar. I thought I had bought myself a couple of minutes to eat the bastard in peace when, much to my shock, one of the older boys (yes, you D.Vennard) wrapped his hands round my throat to prevent me from swallowing it. I think the fuck would actually have eaten the regurgitated product had I not repelled him.

Mars Bars!

The unfinished ogle

Very frustrating, this...

I was waiting on getting a coffee served up this morning when I spotted this bird standing outside chatting to a couple of people. She was decked out all in black - knee-length boots, leggings, blouse - and she certainly looked the part from the front. But you know the score... you can't really pass judgement until you've had a butchers at the chassis.

I continued casually glancing out the window (confident that I'd cop a look when she walked off) until my coffee was ready, then took a split second to grab some sugar. When I looked back she'd gone.

It's a bit like losing a sneeze.

Delighting in the misfortune of others

I had a bad feeling about United's game against Basle on Wednesday. I actually work with a Swiss bloke, and I told him about an hour before the game that I wouldn't be surprised if United got beaten. I think he thought that I was humouring him in some way, so he responded to my remark with a casual laugh.

When I got home I realised that I only had a choice of two games to watch on the box, Man City v Munich, and Villarreal v Napoli. I decided to watch the City game, on the off chance that they'd lose, and follow the United game on the BBC Live Text. However, once United went 1-0 down I flicked over to the Napoli game and started rooting for them. The only time I was happy during the afternoon was when Napoli scored their second goal close to the final curtain. I was right royally fucked off that United had been dumped out in such humiliating fashion, but fed greedily off the crumbs of City's misfortune.

Then, on Thursday, it was Liga de Quito playing in the first leg of the Copa Sudamericana final against Universidad de Chile. The game was in Quito and the home team were expected to win handsomely (I know a LOT of locals, and 80% of them are Liga fanatics). All day Thursday, I suffered jibes about United's exit from the CL and listened to them spout their predictions of 2-0 and 3-0 victories for the home side -throat clearing noise- Liga performed miserably and the Chilean side took a 1-0 victory away with them... more crumbs of comfort to shove down my gullet.

Mobile fucking phones

Here's an old, scratched record I've played many times before.

The mobile phone (cell phone) isn't the thing that bothers me... it's the pricks, fools, fuckwits, dunderheads, clowns, cunts, arseholes, etc. that so blatantly abuse the gadget in public. There is no place for these people in normal society. Here's what they shouldn't, under any circumstnces, be allowed to do...

...walk about the streets, on flights of stairs, getting on/off buses, etc., like farts in a trance, staring at the phone. Normal people should be permitted to bump into/ trip up these idiots.

...talk really loudly on the phone when in public places. What is it with these cunts? Are they so emotionally fucked up that they have to let others know they have at least one friend in the world?

...wear those stupid little ear pieces or big cunting headphones.

...not use the stupid ear pieces or big cunting headphones when they're listening to music. You know the type of retard I'm referring to - the one who walks around playing crappy music on their phone, wrongly thinking that they're entertaining everyone else.

...have an annoying ring tone. This is just plain, common fucking sense.

...leave the phone sitting in front of you when in a reastaurant, etc. What, are you the only fucking person in the world with a mobile phone?

Whilst drunk on the street the other week, I was hassled by the filth. When I tried pointing out to them that more serious, mobile phone related crimes were taking place right beside us, did they listen? Did they fuck!

The dog's...

...bollocks, knackers, balls, etc.

1. When one thinks they are better than others (presumably because a dog can lick its own balls).
Usage: I can't stand that smug bastard... he thinks he's the dog's knackers.
2. When something is really good.
Usage: Nice motor, mate... it's the dog's.

I used this expression in front of the missus a while ago, and I've been really chuffed at how she has incorporated it into her everyday conversation.

I've been making a real effort to use as many similar expressions from the old country, not only to educate others but also so that they don't fall into disuse in my own conversation. Here are a few other animal related sayings:

As odd as cats' shite / dogs' balls

I've never owned a cat or a dog so I can't say for certain whether either of these statements are true. I can only assume that some eagle-eyed cat owner once noticed that their cat never seemed to leave any shit lying around, and that some perverted dog owner got his jollies by feeling his pet's clangers.

Usage: I wouldn't leave my kids with him... he's as odd as cats' shite.

As tight as a gnat's chuff / duck's ass

This one needs a bit more clarification when teaching the foreigner how to use it: (1) a gnat is a small fly (2) a chuff is another word for the vagina. You don't need to own a gnat to figure out that its gash must be pretty tight, well, compared to a woman's (bitchy gnats might sit around gossiping, "look at her, she's as loose as a regular sized fly"). The duck's ass reference is to with it being water tight. In both cases, they refer to people as miserable cunts, unwilling to spend money.

Usage: You haven't bought a fucking round all night... you're as tight as a gnat's chuff!

Hung like a donkey / stallion

You only really need to explain the word hung and the rest falls into place.

Usage: Would I be guilty of racial stereotyping if I said all black men are hung like donkeys?

I couldn't give a monkey's (fuck / toss)

Basically means that one couldn't give a fuck.

Usage: I'm leaving you, taking the kids, and shacking up with a lesbo.
           I couldn't give a monkey's.

It would freeze the balls off a brass monkey

I always thought that this was a nautical term (cannonballs - brass monkey) but I've just read about another connection to actual brass monkeys from China covering their testes. Testes... funny little word. Regardless of its origin, it just basically means to feel very cold.

Usage: Turn on another bar you tight fucker... it's cold enough in here to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

Fucks like a rabbit

Again, I've never watched two rabbits fucking (think the reference is more related to the high reproduction rate than the actual speed of humping). There's got to be an animal lover out there who relaxes in a gentleman's fashion, feeling his dog's balls and watching his rabbits fucking.

Usage: It's said she fucks like the preverbial rabbit. You have a splendid opportunity of engaging in coitis.

The turtle's head

When the stool has already formed, gravity is now in charge, and there's precious little you can do about it... the faecel point of no return.

Usage: Fuck! Forgot me fucking keys... and me with the turtle's head.

The pup with the brown nose

Where the pup is an ample breast, and the nose is the nipple

Usage: Nice pups, luv... can I have the one with the brown nose?

Like a dog with two dicks

To describe someone who is very happy or content about a situation or outcome. This implies that a dog with two cocks would be capable of fucking twice as often, or possibly doubling the stimulation whilst cleaning its undercarriage.

Usage: What happened to him? He's walking about like a dog with two dicks.
           Oh, the missus finally agreed to let him put it up her shitter.

...hairs on its neck like a turkey

Not so much an expression as a line from a rowdy little ballad I learned as a lad:

Can you take it in your mouth Mrs Murphy?
Sure it only weighs a quarter of a pound.
It's got hairs on its neck like a turkey
And it squirts when you rub it up and down.

Not sure who Mrs Murphy was, but the line obviously refers to a cock.

Urban Myth or the Real Deal?

I used to have a mate, Adamson, who was in the Army Air Corps. Twenty something years ago, after a stint in Germany, he told me these two yarns over a bevy:

To mark his first tour of duty, a young greenhorn went in search of a prostitute. It didn't take long for one to give him a nod on a street corner and he accompanied her to a sleazy hotel. She discussed her terms - once you shoot your load, you pay up - and they got into the lift to go to her floor. In the lift she started rubbing his muchacho through his trousers to get him in the mood. The young lad, obviously not too experienced, couldn't handle the foreplay and came in his pants just as the lift reached her floor. Sure enough, as per the agreement, the prozzie demanded payment and the embarrassed young squaddie left the hotel without even getting his cock out of the holster.

The second starts in similar fashion, the only difference being that the squaddie involved had struck up a bit of habitual business with some sort. They went back to her digs one night, did the deed, and the bloke stayed until morning. When he woke up he found that all his gear was gone - clothes, shoes, watch, money... the lot. While trying to work out what to do next, he decided to exact some revenge by shitting on the bed. As he was in the process of smearing it over the sheets, his lady friend came in carrying his belongings which she had taken the time to clean.

These stories, when told, spread like wildfire (or shit on a sheet) and it wasn't long before I'd heard both of them retold complete with embellishments - one mate even walked into the bar one night and swore blind that he had told me them first when I'd actually told him the same stories about six months earlier. Only recently, when having a sup with a colleague over here, I heard an almost word perfect version of the first one.

You see, no one wants to admit that they were way down the chain when the story was doled out. I'm fairly sure that the versions I heard all those years ago weren't the originals - fuck knows how long they've been doing the rounds. But it's good to see that they still pop up in conversation, regardless of where you are.

Don't stand so close to me... with your cock, bliff, etc.

It was lashing down the other day so I jumped on a passing bus. I was well fucking pleased with myself as I was able to find an aisle seat close to the back of the old bone-shaker. As we trundled along, more sodden passengers climbed on until the bus was full to the fucking gills.

Some punter was forced to support himself using the back of my seat - he was stood square to my shoulder. I'm never too chuffed about my personal space being invaded, and was even less pleased when I realised that his man part was occasionally rubbing up against my upper arm. I can't say for certain that he was an 'opportunist upper arm rapist' but I gave him a "no more!" glare and that was the end of that.

A couple of stops later he got off and was replaced by some bird, resplendent in a classy pair of black leggings, who assumed the exact same position. It wasn't long before her camel's hoof started hovering around the same upper arm area. She wasn't exactly in the best condition but it was definitely a step up from the rogue cock of a few moments earlier.

The hat-trick of body parts was eventually completed when, close to home, some woman got on with her sprog, sat down in the seat across from me, and whipped out one of her floppy thruppeny bits for a feeding session... nice, real fucking nice.

MILF takes a huge load all over her face

I was researching some material recently for one of my high brow articles, and absent-mindedly stumbled upon an adult web site. Embarrassed, indeed mortified, at what I saw, I immediately tried to exit the foul site only to find that I had inadvertantly started playing all 16 minutes and 23 seconds of material that was surely sent from the bowels of hell itself. As if this wasn't bad enough, I realised later that the same video had inexplicably been downloaded to RealPlayer. In vain, I tried to delete the filth, but to no avail.

A few days later I arrived home to discover that my angelic wife was playing some music videos on RealPlayer. Struck by the notion that my darling may doubt the validity of my story, I quickly prepared a plausible white lie - someone else must have been using the laptop. Luckily, my dearest spouse didn't scroll down far enough to discover the shameful chronicle of that young mother - it wasn't just on her face... it was aallll over her face!

I am presently composing a stern email to send to the internet provider as, if you can believe such an unfavourable turn of events, the same thing has occurred on several occasions since.

Bet you were thinking, "Right, I'm going to have a bloody good wank!"

Premier League - wk 7

Been so fucking busy recently that I've totally neglected my usual take on the Prem. I'm glad to say that normal service has now been resumed. So, what's been going on...

I hear Tevez upset a few people during the week. What I can't get my head around is why so many people are that fucking surprised. The only comment I read which I agreed with 100% was that of Tony Pullis - not my concern, I've got other things to worry about (or something to that effect).

United, world beaters a fortnight ago, have trodden on a defensive banana skin in the last week. Just about got a point at Stoke last Saturday, and almost fucked it up completely against Basle, midweek. Again, not that surprising when you consider the amount of goals they could have leaked at home to the Gunners and Chelsea.

So what's on the cards for this weekend?

Man U are at home to Norwich. Regardless of the frailties in defence, if United have their big guns avaialble up front they should be able to out punch any of the other 19 sides. Delia's boys are on a mini roll with max points in their last two games, but you'd expect United to put a few past them tomorrow. 4-1

City, after the midweek soap opera, are away to struggling Blackburn tomorrow, so it's as good a chance as any to get back on track straight away. With the young lad Agüero up front there's more than enough of a goal scoring threat. 1-3

What in the fuck has happened to Bolton recently? They've lost 5 out of 6 and conceded 16 goals - definitely not the side we've got used to watching over the last few seasons. Chelsea are plodding along quietly, and you just know they'll be there or there abouts come the end of the season. Think this one could end up a draw, 1-1.

North London derby on Sunday. The Spurs have started the better of the two sides but they haven't looked that convincing either - loved that little fright Shamrock gave them yesterday. Just to spice this one up a bit more, there's also the chance that Adebayour will be facing his old employers. It's hard to see Arsenal having anything other than an average campaign this season, so I fancy the home side to take the points. 2-1

As for the rest:

Everton 2 2 Liverpool
Villa 2 0 Wigan
Sunderland 1 0 WBA
Wolves 1 1 Newcastle
Fulham 2 1 QPR
Swansea 2 1 Stoke

On the Bus

This isn't to be confused with the classic 60's/70's British sitcom starring Reg Varney et al.

I got on a city bus this morning - it was hot, the vehicle was full to the hilt, and questionable odours filled my nostrils. Some old cunt was standing under my own questionable armpit, muttering something offensive about foreigners. I started thinking that it would have been better to flag down a taxi.

We got to the next stop and a few more people piled on, one of them being a rather tall, black woman wearing a low cut blouse and skin tight jeans - as my old mate Nobby would have said, "not too shabby."

The bus pulled away and everyone started jostling for a comfortable stance. As we all started to settle again, I became aware that myself and the aforementioned shapely sort were now standing back to back. As the vehicle trundled along, swerving this way and that, I noticed that our assholes were doing more than their fair share of bumping into each other.

Now, we've all been there at some stage in our lives - you let your respective body part have a bit of harmless fun. The question is, how much fun (or freedom) do you allow the body part before retiring it to a safe distance? Here's what I think, based on personality types:

The Shy, Nerdy Type - will be horrified by what all that stuff Sir Isaac Newton invented is making him do. He will remove his offending body part immediately, but later use the incident as ammo whilst jerking off.

The Guilty Type - will let the dice roll a bit longer before being overcome by self-loathing.

The Normal Type - will last a bit longer but won't have the nuggets to stay the course. He'll put the little bit of bus foreplay down to the natural laws of physics, and forget all about it.

The Imaginative Type - will stay in the theatre of combat (convinced that his new butt buddy is up for it as well) until one, or both, disembark. He'll then go home and write a blog about it.

The Entreprenurial Type - will seize the opportunity to make one of those outdoor movies that most of us have seen, but won't admit to.

Premier League - Wk 4

I just don't have the time at the moment to review the games to my satisfaction. However, I've got a decent break coming up next month when I'll be able to eat, sleep and DRINK footy... can't come fucking quick enough!

Here's the predos,

Gunners 2 1 Swans
Everton 1 1 Villa
City 4 0 Wigan
Stoke 1 1 Pool
Sunderland 0 1 Chelsea
Wolves 2 1 Spurs
Bolton 1 3 Man U
Norwich 1 1 WBA
Fulham 2 0 Blackburn
QPR 1 1 Toon

A bizarre game of football

I've just watched that Man U v Arsenal game, and what a surreal experience it was.

Man U - a team injected with youthful players who, quite honestly, look as if they've been playing together for years.

Arsenal - how would you accurately describe that team/performance today?

I make no bones about it... I've been a Man U fan for as long as I can remember. However, I didn't find myself gloating over today's result, and the only real satisfaction I took from it was the fact that it's another 3 points in the bag (especially after City's demolition job over Spurs).

Since I was a lad this fixture was always the one I looked forward to. A few of my mates were Gooners and this only added extra spice to things, before and after (I vividly recall not being able to show my tear-streaked mug after the '79 Cup Final). I can't remember a time when the outcome of a bout between these two footballing legends was ever a certainty... until today. Yes, I predo'd this one to be 3 to no in favour of the home team, but I never expected to see such a scoreline.

Man U's future looks bright and I hope for the sake of pure football that they rub their precocious, big-spending neighbour's noses in it by the end of the season, but what's in store for the Arsenal and weary old Wenger?

I'm only an observer of the game - by no means an expert - but it's hard to see how things were ever going to work out okay given what's gone on over the last couple of seasons. Fabregas was always going to be on his way out and you would've put your house on Nasri following suit (a couple of assists today for his new outfit wouldn't have made Wenger feel any better). Relying on jaded figures such as Arshavin and Rosicky might be alright against lesser oppostion but they're never going to win you a league title. RvP is a quality striker but he's only as good as the service he's provided with, and Walcott never seems to play two good games in a row. Include the fact that they haven't signed anyone of note and the the transfer window closes on Wednesdsay then even the most casual observer will conclude that this is going to be a very long season for Arsenal fans.

One fan wrote into the BBC to say that what is going on at the club is nothing short of "footballing negligence." I haven't got a clue what's happening behind the scenes but I think that statement is a fair one to describe the situation.

Ignorant Cunts

One thing that really gets on my tits is the shop assistant who gives you the total blank when you walk in to buy something. You know the type - they'll do anything but talk to you or make eye contact.

I went into a local shop the other day to get a pack of smokes; the bloke behind the counter was chatting with someone off to the side. I asked for my usual brand, (Lark, good smoke, never had cancer once) he handed them to me, gave me my change, and never once broke off the conversation.

Walked into the same place a couple of days later to get another pack, only this time some middle-aged woman is sitting there knitting. She gives them to me, hands me my change, never dropped a fucking stitch during the process. I thought to myself, you ignorant cunt, and as quickly as I thought it, I said it in an off-hand sort of way. She looked briefly at me and then resumed her knitting.

It wasn't until I had left the store that I realised I had just wasted a perfectly good, perfectly justified insult - I live in Ecuador, how many people here understand the meaning of "ignorant cunt." What I should've said was something like, "ignorante de mierda," but by then I'd missed the window of opportunity.

AGAIN! (02, Sep)

Called in yesterday afternoon and the fucking bitch snubbed me again... that's 3 for 3! Asked for cigarettes while she just continued wirelessing to some bint beside her.

I think they have a camera outside the shop which alerts them to when someone is just about to enter the place, which in turn buys them enough time to arrange some kind of diversionary tactic. Either that or they just fucking hate foreigners.

Prem 11/12 - wk 3

Quite a footballing week...

Arsene's really ripping the arse out of it down at the Emirates,
Man U's cubs are making the game look easy,
Wolves have a 100% record,
The Jock clubs made a right fucking mess of things in Europe (Lennon's boys might make it via the tradesman's entrance though),
Joey (the boy likes his tweets) Barton is off down south to QPR,

... but the best one by far has to be,
Shamrock Rovers have made into the Europa League!

Prem Predos

Villa 2 1 Wolves
Wigan 1 0 QPR
Blackburn 1 1 Everton
Chelsea 3 1 Norwich
Swansea 1 1 Sunderland
Liverpool 2 1 Bolton
Newcastle 2 1 Fulham
Spurs 1 2 City
WBA 2 1 Stoke
Man U 3 0 Arsenal

Prem 11/12 - Week 2

Not really in the mood to analyse this weekend's fixtures in detail due to the shitty bus ride home... why do they even let fat birds on the fucking bus? Some nightmare - waist and height roughly the same dimension - tried to squeeze her tracksuited, mini planet-sized fundament by me in the aisle. Read up on your Isaac Newton (or some other olde boffin), luv - it was always going to be an im-fuckin-possibility. Anyway, I digress...

The Prem offered up some rather interesting results (even though 3 of them finished nowt - nowt) with only City winning at home. Having said that, it would nice to see a few more goals. Here are my predos, for what it's worth...

Sunderland 2 0 Newcastle
Arsenal 0 0 Liverpool
Villa 3 1 Blackburn
Everton 2 1 QPR
Swansea 1 1 Wigan
Chelsea 2 0 WBA
Norwich 1 2 Stoke
Wolves 1 1 Fulham
Bolton 1 1 City
Man U 2 1 Spurs

Dog piss

I was walking down the street yesterday when I noticed a rat-like dog stopping to take a piss by the side of the gutter. Its owners paused and looked on, almost lovingly, while the curious little creature finished it's act of public urination. Now, if a dog stops to take a dump outside, then the owner(s) is expected to scoop the shit up and put it into a bag, so why shouldn't they, when given due warning, also be ready to get a bag ready, place it around the animal's hind quarters, and catch as much urine as they can.

Come on dog owners, take some responsibility for those spoilt little cunts you call pets.

Prem's back!

Going without Premier League football for 3 months is akin to laying off the booze and smokes, well, actually it isn't as difficult, but it's not far off it.

Yes, the best league in the world is back - no thanks to those looting cunts who almost ruined it for everyone else - and like the sporting soap opera it is, who knows what the fuck's going to happen...

Let's start with the champions who are away to WBA on Sunday. Watched United last Sunday in the Community Shield and drooled over the second half performance. Ok, this game falls somewhat into the Mickey Mouse category but when it's Man U against their precocious neighbours, then it becomes a different proposition altogether. WBA, under Roy Hodgson, attained a very creditable 11th spot in last year's campaign and they'll certainly be no pushovers in Sunday's game. Still, they've lost the 7 games at home to United, and I think Sir Alex's boys will do the business. 1-3

Chelsea went and got themselves a new manager, but nowt else seems to have changed for them. They're away to Stoke on Sunday and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the Potters got a result out of this one. Stoke have signed Woodgate from Spurs - I'd like to see this boy get another chance to prove himself; superb in his Leeds days, just a pity that he's been plagued with injury ever since. 1-1

Newcomers Swansea find themselves thrown straight into the melting pot with a visit to the Etihad Stadium (do you remember the days when the names of football grounds were sacrosanct) on Monday. Man City have spent a fortune on young Argentina striker Agüero. He looked the part whenever he came on as a sub for the Argies during this year's Copa, but it'll be interesting to see how he fits into the Prem. Rattle-throwers - you heard me messrs Tevez and Balotelli - must go. The Swans clinched promotion from the Champo, but you get the impression they'll strugle from the start. 3-1

Arsenal are away to Newcastle in tomorrow's late fixture - belting 4-4 last season. I've been an admirer of Wenger for a long time but, alas, I fear his time is coming to an end. Fabregas and Nasri are both on their way out (should have got rid of Fab a year ago) and it's hard to see how they'll make a serious challenge without a major signing. Still too much nonsense going on at the Toon and I wouldn't be surprised if they finish up in a relegation battle. 1-2

Gotta mention QPR before I finish. My ol' mate Smitty was devastated when they got relegated in '96 but always maintained they'd get back up there again. Taarabt, Moroccan midfielder, is the player to watch - he bagged 19 goals in 44 apearances last season (also the first name to appear on my fantasy team). They've got Bolton at home tomorrow. 2-1

Gonna put my reputation as a predofile on the chopping block and pick the final four at the end of this year's campaign:

Man  U (Sneijder or not)
Man City (Tevez or not)
Chelsea (severe lack of new blood)
Liverpool (I think King Kenny is the equivalent of an extra man on the pitch)

Twitter ye not

Rio Ferdinand was the first and now every footballer (just like the whole tattoo thing) seems to have jumped on the tweeting bandwagon. Here are some examples that have caught my eye recently...

Let's start with tweeter... twitterer... tweeterer... or whatever the fuck it is, Rio Ferdinand himself. He recently told us that he was glad to be coming back from the US tour and was looking forward to seeing the family and eating some home-cooked food. Invaluable intel.

Jack Wilshire seems to want to steal Rio's crown. This morning, like the other morning, we were given more pointless chat about his ankle - "At club having some treatment! Trying to get this ankle better!" How long will it be before we're reading - "Feel a dump coming on; I'll tell you what colour it was when I'm done wiping my arris."

Read a good one on the BBC Sportsday Live. Official Man City tweet - "Sorry everyone, but @aguerosergiokun won't be training today, he has a stomach bug." I assume that the young Argentina striker got a note from his mum.

However, hats off to good ol' Joey Barton for keeping us apprised about his latest drama at Newcastle. The troubled midfielder has been going tweet crazy in recent days, and today quoted George Washington - "If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter." That's about as much in keeping as George Washington tweeting, "If Arsenal had signed me last season, they'd have won the league."

I think the saying which best applies to a lot of these tweets is the following - "Better to keep one's mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it and remove the doubt."

Brazilian woe

Brazil v Paraguay has just finished, and what a finish!

Had a few sherbets while watching it, so here are the highlights:

First half - Brazil dominated. Paraguay looked like they were on a sightseeing tour of the Estadio Ciudad de la Plata. 0-0

Second half - Brazil dominated. Paraguay looked like they were on a sightseeing tour of the Estadio Ciudad de la Plata. 0-0

Extra time - Brazil dominated. Paraguay looked like they were on a sightseeing tour of the Estadio Ciudad de la Plata. Handbags just before the end of the first 15 - 'Anfield' Lucas sent off for Brazil; Alcaraz sent off for Paraguay.

Penalties - first 3 are missed - 2 x Bra; 1 x Par - does anyone want to score a fucking goal? Brazil miss their next two (seriously, the 4 worst consecutive penalty attempts you're likely to see, with only one on target) while Paraguay bag both of theirs.

Interesting stat

All the quarter finals so far have gone to at least extra time and the nation with the smaller population has won in each case - Peru, Uruguay and Paraguay. The last quarter has just kicked off - Chile 17m; Venezuela 30m... you know where to put your money.

Argies dumped out

Uruguay have just knocked out Copa hosts Argentina on pens in today's second quarter final. Earlier, Peru beat Colombia 2 RPG's to no after a goalless 90 mins. On paper, these results look like shocks but anybody who has been following the competition closely probably won't be that surprised.

Uruguay scored after only 5 minutes when Perez bundled the ball across the line. Then, parity was restored by Higuain on 18 minutes. As usual, 'la Pulga' Messi was involved in just about everything Argentina created but their performance was much the same as their opening two games against Bolivia and Colombia. The Uruguayans suffered a blow 5 minutes before half-time when goalscorer Perez got his marching orders after a second bookable.

Argentina's personnel advantage was obvious in terms of possession in the second 45, but they never really stamped their authority on the game. Any chances they did create were resolutely blocked by Muslera (man of the match, for me) in the Uruguayan goal. Suarez and Forlan were busy in periods - Suarez is always so much more animated when he plays for his country. Tevez was eventually brought on after 84 mins to replace young Agüero (he was disappointing tonight) but he looked out of sorts - the story of his tournament. Player numbers were then levelled on 87 mins when captain Mascherano was sent off for his second yellow.

The additional 30 mins was a fairly entertaining see-saw affair but you kinda got the feeling it was going to pens. The first two for each side were dispatched without any trouble. Then, 'Apache' Tevez stepped up only to see his tameish effort saved by Muslera - that'll cheer up a few Man U fans tomorrow. The rest of the spot kicks found their mark... carnival scenes for 'la celeste', day out at the local morgue for the Argies.

Uruguay will play Peru in Tuesday's semi.

Copa roundup

Not a good competition thus far for the hosts. They played Colombia on Wednesday but could only manage a no score draw. It was the same old story for the Argies - plenty of talent on show, but no end result. In fact, by the end of the game they had the combination of Messi, Tevez, Agüero and Higuaín on the pitch. It actually wouldn't have been that big an injustice if the Colombians had nicked all 3 points.

The local papers have been writing about the dissatisfaction of the 'albiceleste' fans, and I was reading an article where Tévez has been saying he feels hurt by all the boos and insults they received after the Colombia game (see he's thrown his rattle out of the pram again at Eastlands, or the Etihad Stadium to be correct). Their last group game (or last game) is a must win affair next Monday against Costa Rica...

...who put in a very good shift, 2 to no, against poor old Bolivia last night. The FIFA world rankings (let's be realistic - how much faith can you put in those when they have England ahead of Brazil) show Costa Rica in 55th place while the Bolivians are 93rd, so on paper it wasn't really a surprise. One player who stood out for the Central Americans was Joel Campbell (plays for Dep. Saprissa in San Jose). He's only 19, but he took the second goal like a player with a few more seasons behind him. Should have been at least 3-0 as the Costa Ricans missed a penalty in the second half, the Bolivian keeper doing well to save the spot kick and the rebound too. The Bolivians finished with 9 players, two being dismissed in the last 20 minutes.

What's coming up this weekend?

The big game today is Chile v Uruguay. Uruguay could only manage a 1-1 against Peru in their first game while Chile left it late to beat the youngsters of Mexico, 2-1, in their opener. Lots of attacking potential in this game with Sanchez and Suazo up front for Chile and Forlán, Cavani and Suárez for Uruguay. Hopefully this'll be the belter the competition has been crying out for.

Ecuador play Venezuela tomorrow afternoon and 'la Tri' could really do with a victory, expecially as their last group game is against the team that are one place behind England in FIFA's rankings. 'Toño' Valencia is definitely gonna sit out tomorrow's game after taking a knock to 'that ankle' during the Paraguay encounter. According to the local press, there's still a chance he might make the Brazil game but in the meantime he's being replaced by Michael Arroyo (San Luis, Mexico). I'm not that gemmed up on the Venezuelans but locals will definitely be expecting Ecuador to win this one.

The rest of the games:

Today - Peru v Mexico
Tomorrow - Brazil v Paraguay
Sunday - Colombia v Bolivia

Copa goal drought

Four games down and the main talking point is the severe lack of goals. We had two no score draws yesterday, a 1-0 on Saturday, and a 1-1 on Friday... this amounts to 0.75 goals per game so far. I was checking the stats for the 2007 competition and the average was 3.3 goals over the whole tournament. I've heard some commentators referring to the winter conditions as a possible reason for this. I don't know?

Had my beer and snacks at the ready yesterday afternoon for what I hoped would be an entertaining double header. Alas, it didn't materialise. Brazil's hopes would probably have been as high as the respective Barnets of messers Neymar and Robinho before the game, and after putting together some nice moves in the first half these hopes could have been justified. However, they came out in the second half and put in an Argentinaesque performance. Indeed, Venezuela will count themselves a tad unlucky that they didn't sneak one.

Ecuador played Paraguay in the second game, and still the goal constipation continued. Both sides looked busy on the ball but the elusive clinical finish was all too evident. Arsene Wenger would have had a dose of the deja vu's had he been looking on. Valencia picked up a knock within the first 20 minutes and came off at half time. Had a quick look at the Ecuadorian papers but haven't been able to find much info on that.

Got a couple of potentially good games tonight - Peru v Uruguay, Chile v Mexico - which will hopefully get those goals flying in. Uruguay were the big South American success in last year's World Cup and their selection has a familiar look to it, most notably with Forlan and Suarez up front.

Go on, gizza a goal.

The Premier League (and Monkey Tennis)

The fixtures are out and normality will once again return to the world on the 13th of August. My blogging schedule goes to shit without the Prem, leaving me scratching around for ideas Partridgesquely:

So, what's been going on since the end of last season:

Giggsy, the epitomy of professionalism, has actually been a very naughty boy for a few years. I had been trying to follow the whole sordid story in The Sun, but as it has more twists and turns than an F1 track, I had to give up. Many of the Man U faithful have chanted Ryan's name in connection with a knighthood. His shenanigans shouldn't affect the outcome too much as mounting has always been one of the principal tasks of a knight.

Rooney's supposed to have had a hair transplant. Still not sure if that was only a piss take, or a PR stunt.

Sparky left Fulham with no apparent explanation given. I think the embarrassment of that Michael Jackson statue finally took its toll.

Ancelotti, as expected, was made to walk the plank. FA Cup and the league title in his first season, old mother Hubbard's cupboard in the second, "Thanks Carlo. Now, fuck off!"

The best one though, for me, is the McLeish soap opera. After seeing Birmingham relegated he decides that it would be a prudent move to take the vacant Villa post - Braveheart. The only difference being that it'll probably be the English hordes baring their arseholes this time.

Dogs

Some old biddy got on the bus this morning carrying a little bundle of white hair under her arm. On first inspection I thought it was an armpit problem, but then realised that it was a dog. The little bastard had the sort of expression on its mug which said, "Look at me, cunts! I've got two more legs than you have, and this stupid bitch still carries me around... even on the bus."

Occasionally, I observe some dog walkers from the apartment, and I think, "What the fuck is that all about?" There they are, poor bastards, struggling up the street with 2 or 3 animals apiece. Surely if you own a dog, then that's the only reason you have it - to walk it around. Let's face it, they're good for fuck all else.

Then, there are DOG CLOTHES! Come on, let's be realistic... it looks fucking ludicrous. We dress them up, carry them around, and pick up their shit - who owns who? The missus has been banging on recently about getting one, and my answer's always the same, "Go ahead, but unless it can clean up after itself, order a pizza, and nip out to get me a six-pack, then I don't want to know."

I will concede that they're not completely useless. The mother-in-law keeps 3 of them for security purposes, however, they're not allowed in the house, and they'll only eat whatever they fucking get. In other words, they're kept in line.

When I was a lot younger I was told of another, more disturbing reason for keeping a dog. I worked with a divorced woman who treated her little mutt like it was human. It had its own room, got the best of grub, you name it. A few of us were out for a bevy one night, and the topic of the canine-human relationship popped up. This woman argued her case very strongly and then nipped out to the bog. While she was away, a wily old colleague of mine, Harry, piped up and said, "You know why they call them lap dogs, don't you?"

King Leer Society - Commendations

I've witnessed some top leering over the last two weeks...

First mention goes to the man who cuts my hair, barber bloke. Whilst giving me a short back and sides, he broke off from his snipping to ogle the arris of a young lady who was passing his shop window. True professional, this boy. He instinctively knew to stop what he was doing, thus ensuring my safety, and also allowing us both the opportunity to take in the view.

Next, the two lads working in the internet cafe of a local shopping mall. I had popped in to get a couple of copies done when a tasty morsel, decked out in knee length boots and painted on jeans, appeared on my radar. The two youths, a little slow to begin with, soon locked in and performed an admirable synchronised backwards leer. Undoubted top talent for the future.

The final one was the most heart-warming. Seated opposite me on the bus was what appeared to be a father and son, the boy probably wouldn't have been much more than 18. As we pulled up at a stop, I observed a fine specimen with huge thrupenny bits, bounding down the pavement. The father (could've been an uncle, or a pedo, now that I think of it) nudged the boy and motioned towards the display of bounciness. An all too rare example of the young learning from the old.

Pan Pipes Conspiracy Theory

I was on the bus this morning when two punters got on and started playing the pan pipes. They opened with The Sound of Silence (Simon & Garfunkel), and finished with (they only played two bits of music) El Condor Pasa (that song by Simon & Garfunkel which begins, "I'd rather be a hammer than a nail," although I have only just found out that that's the actual title). This got me thinking.

I've been in South America for about 4 years, and I've heard the pan pipes played in lots of different countries/locations, but I've never heard anyone play anything except Simon & Garfunkel stuff. To be more specific - I don't remember hearing anything other than these two songs. Taking this into consideration, the question is:

Which came first - the pan pipes or Simon and Garfunkel (that's getting fucking tedious - S&G is easier)?

According to some bloke on the internet, the pan pipes were invented about 6,000 years ago, whereas S&G have only been about for 50 odd years. Chronologically, there's a bit of a discrepency. So what is the connection between the two?

For me, there can only be one possible answer... these songs were actually composed by the ancient Peruvians. Then the songs fell into disuse, only to be discovered on manuscripts by S&G when on a trip to South America. However, this doesn't explain why modern pan pipes buskers (PPBs) don't play other classic, ancient Peruvian numbers such as, Cecilia, Hazy Shade of Winter, or Mrs Robinson.

Come on, PPBs. Pull your fucking fingers out, and give us the full repertoire!

The old VAMOS UNITED post fell a bit flat on its arse, didn't it?

Despondent, I went on an extended lash with my mate Sean, eventually making it home at 'fuck knows o'clock.' If I'd been told the next day that I'd got a lift home on a magic carpet, I still wouldn't have remembered it. To rub salt into the wounds, the missus gave me the total blank for 48 hours, which was, incidentally, about how long it took my bowels to regain normal movement.

Football... fucking love it, I do!

Vamos, United!

The day has finally arrived. After a belting finale to the Premier League last weekend, we now have a monumental clash in the CL between Manchester United and Barcelona. I won't lie to you. I'm nervous.

Ecuador's a funny place to watch a game like this. On the one hand, you've got the traditional ties with Spain, and therefore a base of fans who'll be strongly behind the Catalans. On the other hand, you've got Antonio Valencia whom the locals are very proud of.

I've been waiting for this all week, and I'll be heading out to watch it with my Gooner mate, Sean (who'll spend the entire day reminding me about the 2-1 victory at the Emirates). The venue has been selected, the lucky boxer shorts (that really heavy skid mark never did completely come out) are prepared, and the missus has given me GBH of the earhole about not coming back steamers. We're good to go.

There's only one thing left to say,

VAMOS, UNITED!

Premier League 10/11 (Final Week)

Many a fan will need a fill of the Devil's urine tonight to get them to sleep before tomorrow's cracking finale. Five teams will battle it out to avoid the drop (the permutations are endless) - Wigan, Blackpool, Birmingham, Wolves, Blackburn - but only three of them will live to have another go next season.

The small matter of 3rd and 4th is still to be sorted out, along with the lesser issue of 5th and 6th. Who's your money on?

Wolves v Blackburn

Both sides are on 40 points, Blackburn having the superior goal difference. Wolves have dug in over the last few games and have done exactly what they needed to do, but they could have avoided all of this had they performed better against the lower placed teams in the league. The mathematics of this one are a bit simpler to work out - victory for either team, and they will stay up. Blackburn have played reasonably well in the last 3 games but I still expect Wolves to take this one. 2-0

Stoke v Wigan

The Potters have suffered a right miserable fucking week at the hands of Man City, but they've had a very good season regardless. Wigan (no small thanks to N'Zogbia) turned it around last week to send the Hammers packing, and have given themselves a chance of avoiding the drop. I think it would have been better for the Latics if Stoke had won the cup, as you'd now imagine that Pulis wants his boys to go out and finish the season with a sound victory. 3-1

Spurs v Birmingham

It was looking all so rosy for McLeish's boys three months ago - League Cup win over Arsenal, and nobody seriously thinking they were going to end up in the shit at the bottom end - but that's exactly were they find themselves. Spurs looked like they were quite happy to finish in 6th spot until they went to Anfield last week and actually put in a decent shift. I just don't see Birmingham getting anything from this one, especially after that hapless display at home to Fulham last week. 2-0

Man U v Blackpool

There's been a load of talk about this fixture all week and what sort of side Fergie is going to put out, but would any of the other 4 relegation threatened sides swap places with the Seasiders? I'd love to see Blackpool get another season in the Prem, but a lot depends on what happens in the other crucial games. United to win by the odd goal with Holloway sweating over the wireless until the final whistle.

Bolton v City
Fulham v Arsenal

City, without looking like the real deal, have put themselves into a great position of snatching third place from under the Gunners' snouts. What can you say about the Arsenal? Can't imagine there are many Gooners that'll take too many positives from this campaign, and the big question will be, what can they do to turn things around over the summer?

I fancy City to get at least a point at Bolton, but I think Arsenal are gonna have another one of those days at Fulham.

Predos

It's so close to call, but I think Wigan and Birmingham will be playing in the Champo next season, and City will force the Gunners into playing some early CL games... however, it wouldn't be the first time I fucked up a predo, and it certainly won't be the last.

What does a lazy bastard do on his day off?

Are you one of those blokes who works hard but doesn't know what to do with his free time? Here are some tips to help you fill that dead time:

Exercise

There is no excuse for neglecting your regime just because you're on holiday. I spent at least an extra minute scratching my arsehole before getting out of bed this morning. On top of this, I have made several arduous trips to the bog and the kitchen.

Drunch/ Breakohol (don't know which sounds better)

Whatever you want to call it, it is the most important meal of the day. Get something edible and melt cheese over it. Then, prepare a nutritious bevy to go with it. Luckily, this morning, the missus made a smoothie type thing which is going down well with the bottle of rum I brought home last night.

Music

This is very much dependant on drucnh (or breakohol). I've chosen a mixture of Kate Bush and Rush this morning (muchas gracias, Youtube).

Kate's thighs are still as I remembered all those years ago in the Babooshka video... Kate, you're a fucking legend:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ot3cVY1JESQ

Check out the Waterboys as well. Love this when I'm on a morning lash:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug7bVBxtAbM

Fucking love a bit of decent music in the morning, me.

The telly

Fuck all on, as usual, so I watched some of season 5 of Family Guy on dvd (Church of Fonzy is a classic). Got bored with that, so I'm going to watch my favourite episode of Peep Show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug7bVBxtAbM

Bollocks, almost out of rum..........

Planks

Where I come from, the word plank is used to refer to someone of limited intelligence:

"As thick as a plank."
"You fucked that right up, you plank."

I was reading at the weekend that some Aussie bloke fell 7 floors to his death, and that it might have been due to planking. Having never heard of the activity, I looked it up:

People lie down (like a plank, I assume) in an unorthodox location and have photographs taken of them... hmmm.

Have some human beings become so fucking board that this is what they have resorted to? I would also question if this is indeed a new fad, as my mate Spud used to do this all the time as far back as the 1980's (I remember one night when he lay motionless on the dog basket after a few Carlsberg Special Brews and a bottle of Merrydown Triple Vintage). Come to think of it, the chap in the San Viernes post could be said to be planking beside the gutter.

Speaking of planks. I just found out, to my horror, that the world's gonna end this Saturday! Well, it won't actually end this Saturday - it'll just be the start of a 5 month period of nasty things before the end. Intrigued, and confused as I thought it was supposed to end next year in December, I needed more information...

I came across a website last night that I thought would give me the answers. I must admit, I sort of lost interest after a while as the mathematics of the whole thing is a bit on the sketchy side. It goes something like this:

Noah's flood + 7 days (which is really 7,000 years) + one month & 17 days (which isn't really one month & 17 days) = the 21st of May, 2011 (+ 5 months) = the 21st of October, 2011

Those End of Dayers are probably forced to join religious organisations because they're shit at maths and can't find a decent job. Still, I'm gonna have egg (and fuck knows what else) all over my boat race on Saturday if it turns out to be true.

Premier League (Wk 37)

We got a bit of everything last weekend:

United basically won the league. Arsenal treated their fans to another one of those performances. City guaranteed fourth spot without looking convincing. Liverpool, under King Kenny, now look like the Harlem Globetrotters of the Premier. And Spurs continued to treat the Europa League like a dose of the clap. There are a few dead rubbers around this weekend, so I'll have a butchers at the meaningful encounters.

Wigan v W Ham

You've gotta admire Avram's optimisim, but I think the Hammers have as much chance of staying up as Fergie has of getting through a season without facing an FA misconduct charge. Wigan picked up a point at Villa last week, so a win on Sunday would make for a very interesting trip to Stoke on the last day (a lot depending on how the cup final pans out). Wigan 2-1

Blackpool v Bolton

Bolton haven't finished as strongly as I thought they would have, but I suppose it's been a decent season for them. Blackpool, on the other hand, have made life very hard for themselves in the last few months, and I just have the feeling that they're going to miss out. They need the three points tomorrow and then hope that United turn up in a casual, last day of school mood, the following weekend (wishful thinking). Blackpool 2-1

Sunderland v Wolves

I've tipped Wolves to stay up, and I'm gonna stand by this. I think they are capable of getting 4 points from the last two games, starting with a point away to Sunderland tomorrow. The Black Cats, like a few other sides, have had a bad spell (really bad spell) in the second half of the season and will be content that things didn't get any worse than mid-table obscurity. 1-1

Liverpool v Spurs

For a long time, the old chant was that Liverpool were nowt without their talisman Steven What d'you call 'em. How things have changed - 20 points out of the last 10 games and 13 goals in the last 3 bouts. Spurs, meanwhile, have had a right miserable time since their CL exit, and I can't help but think that most of it is down to their own naivety. Did Redknapp actually think they were going to go all the way? And now that they've missed out on a CL spot, the rattle's come out of the pram about the Europa League. I don't often say this, but I hope the Reds give them a good fucking hiding on Sunday. 3-0

Predos

Blackburn 1 2 Man U
Blackpool 2 1 Bolton
Sunderland 1 1 Wolves
WBA 2 2 Everton
Chelsea 2 0 Newcastle
Arsenal 3 1 Villa
Birmingham 1 1 Fulham
Liverpool 3 0 Spurs
Wigan 2 1 W Ham

Premier League Darts (Wk 14)

There's nothing but pride to play for in the first two bouts of the final league night. Wade had given himself a sniff in the latter stages but that was extinguished last week against Taylor. Jenkins kept plodding away but was never near the top four pace.

Barney, as expected, has qualified (without making it look as convincing as it should have been). Webster never really got going in his league debut, despite hitting a 107 average early in the campaign.

The last two games will decide who gets the fourth spot. Lewis is up against Anderson, and Whitlock plays Taylor. Let's be honest, the Aussie doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of going through - that draw against Webster did him no favours whatsoever. Lewis would have a sweat on if Whitlock was up against lesser opposition, but the combination of the two point difference and the Aussie's opponent makes his task a lot easier.

Wade 8 5 Jenkins
Barney 8 4 Webster
Lewis 8 6 Anderson
Taylor 8 5 Whitlock

Premier League (Wk 36)

As the great Ian Dury once said, reasons to be cheerful...

I've got the day off work - the sun's splitting the trees. I've just opened a bottle of rum (I'll apologise now for any grammatical fuck ups) - the missus won't be back until late tonight. And as if that wasn't enough... there's a belting weekend of Prem footy to look forward to. Life's good when you keep it simple.

Man U v Chelsea

Where do you start with this one? Man U have already confirmed their place in the CL final (how did Schalke make it to the semi?) and could put the league title beyond doubt. Chelsea, after looking very ordinary earlier on, could put the cat amongst the winged rats and thrust themselves into pole position. Fergie said he had a sleepless night before the Schalke game owing to his (not so risky after all) team selection. Me thinks he'll lose a few more Z's tomorrow night. Ancelloti's boys have nothing to lose, but a hell of a lot to gain. All said, I've got a gut feeling that United will sow it up on Sunday. 2-1

Stoke v Arsenal

My expat mate (and long suffering Gooner), Sean, has just reminded me that this fixture has more than its fair share of previous. To quote the good old BBC, "Wenger has long complained of Stoke taking a robust approach more akin to rugby." The difference between the two sides is that the Potters still have a chance of lifting some silverware. The Gunners aren't going to do any better than CL qualification, so it's a bit of a dead rubber. Still, I fancy the north London boys to take this by the odd goal.

Everton v Man City

You've gotta respect Everton, and David Moyes. No money to spend, shit starts to the last few seasons, yet they always seem to finish strongly. This'll be a tough game for City who are still without Tevez, but they'll be happy as Larry with a 4th place finish and an FA Cup final appearance. Everton by the odd goal.

Top 3, bottom 3 predos

No change at the top. It'll finish:

Man U
Chelsea
Arsenal

At the bottom:

W Ham
Wigan
Blackpool

One last thing to leave you with. I watched the Copa Libertadores match on the telly last night between Junior (Colombia) and Jaguares (Mexico). Cracking game which finished 4-4 on aggregate, the Mexican side winning on away goals. The best bit was, in the second half, when a supporter ran onto the pitch and was 'halted' by one of the players. I'm sure it'll pop up on You Tube before long.

Premier League Darts (Wk 13)

Taylor's there, Anderson's there, and Barney's all but there, but who's going to join them...

Whitlock v Webster. The Welshman bit the dust a while back, but can he chalk up one final victory before it's all over? The maths are pretty simple for Whitlock - he's gotta win tomorrow, especially as his last bout is against Taylor (and Taylor isn't in the habit of easing up, regardless of his position). I'm tempted to go for the surprise result, but it's hard to argue with the stats. 8-4 Whitlock.

Anderson v Barney. Let's just assume that the Dutchman's already through. The difference in the outcome of this game could come down to consistency, and the Scot is slightly ahead in that respect. Barney's last two matches have ended in draws, so can he raise his game? I think Anderson will take this one, 8-5.

Jenkins v Lewis. Said it before - Jenkins is the type of player that Lewis can have problems against. The Bull's as good as out of it, but Jackpot's not yet assured a place in the final four. I think Lewis will do just enough to win this one. 8-5.

Wade v Taylor. Wade hasn't lost in his last four, and still has a chance of reaching the final night. Taylor, after losing his opener, has destroyed the field and looks unstoppable. He doesn't need the points, but that won't make a difference tomorrow. 8-5 Taylor.

Can you please ensure that your fucking mobile phones are switched off before...

I've always loved the whole airport, flying thing - I feel like a little kid again when I turn up at the airport, especially one I've never been to before. However, over the past few years I have become increasingly fucked off by the amount of time people spend on their gadgets in the departure lounge, on the plane, etc.

I remember a simpler time before laptops, iPods, smart phones, etc. I remember a time when the wait in the departure lounge was put to good use by reading a book, doing a crossword, or having a smoke and a beer in the bar - wholesome, healthy pursuits.

It's a couple of weeks ago and we're waiting for a flight to the coast. Some bloke sitting closeby has a laptop held to the side of his head and he's speaking into some kind of microphone jutting out the side of his lug. He's obviously making a phone call, or trying to, and two thoughts immediately spring to mind. One, has this fucker no idea how stupid he looks? Two, how is this more convenient than making a normal call - the guy has a great big fucking laptop stuck to the side of his head!

I take a few minutes to survey the whole departure lounge and it's nothing more than a pathetic gathering of slaves to technology. I observe that they've installed a little bar which is a new addition to the place since my last visit. The boy behind the bar is playing on his mobile phone, looking virtually redundant. Our flight's due to leave in about 30 minutes but I can't pass up the opportunity of getting a beer down me. I sup the first one double quick and get up for another - the boy's face says it all, "that's two more than I've served all day." My missus is quick to point out that I'm the only one in the area having a bevy. Might be the only one with a beer, but I'm one of the few who isn't fingering a keypad or looking longingly into a screen.

When we get on the plane, there's this little suit sitting beside my missus. He's feverishly wanking off his Blackberry, no doubt trying to knock out one final message in case the plane crashes. The trolley dolly comes over and quite rightly asks him to switch it off. The suit nods in compliance and then, when she walks away, proceeds to pull another phone out of his jacket - the cunt is now sitting there with a mobile in either hand! A nerve twitches in my forehead and I can feel the red mist descend. It's a 30 minute flight, for fuck sake! What's so important that it can't wait for another half hour?

Then comes my favourite bit of the flight - the landing. You know, the bit were you're told not to stand up or switch on mobile phones until the plane has come to a complete stop. The suit has one of his Blackberry clan in his hand, making a call before the tyres have even touched tarmac. It's not long before he's followed by the rest of the twats, milling aimlessly around the aisle switching on phones before the plane's remotely close to the terminal. I particularly enjoy the fact that people still expect to be magically whisked off the plane before the pilot has applied the handbrake - you won't get off any fucking faster just because you stand up first!

The mobile gadget has become much more than just a means of communication. For a lot of socially inept people, it is an inanimate friend, "I don't have any real mates, but you'll always be there for me, won't you?" For others, it's just a prop to make them look normal when trying to fill periods of dead time. It's almost like, when we have nothing to do, we have quite simply forgotten what it's like to do absolutely fuck all.

Premier League (Wk 35)

I'm not saying that the top four places have been decided yet, because they haven't, but I think what's going on at the bottom (always was an ass man) is more intriguing. Cue the theme tune and opening scenes from Roald Dahl's Tales of the Unexpected (remember that?)...

Man City v West Ham

Sullivan reckons the Hammers have a 25% chance of avoiding relegation. I'd say that's about right, but you'd expect something a bit more encouraging from the West Ham co-chairman. Poor old Avram - in charge of relegated Pompey last season - must be wondering what he's done to be staring it in the face again. Away to City on Sunday (last time City played on a Saturday in the league... March, 5th) who are on a decent run of form of late, so I don't see things getting any better for Hammers' fans. 2-0

Last 3 games: Blackburn (H); Wigan (A); Sunderland (H)

Birmingham v Wolves

Thought Wolves were going to be safe a few weeks ago, but one point out of the last possible 12 sees them in all sorts of strife. They've got a local derby tomorrow, away to Birmingham,  and they'll have to lift themselves after that performance against Stoke, midweek. If they could even pick up a point on Sunday, they could yet have a chance when you look at their last three games: WBA (H); Sunderland (A); Blackburn (H). 1-1

Wigan v Everton

Wigan could have gone down a couple of times since they were promoted in '05, but they've somehow managed to avoid it. In truth, results haven't been that bad for them in their last 6 matches (considering two of those were away to City and Chelsea), picking up 7 points. The Toffees, finishing off yet another season strongly, will be tough opposition for the Latics at home tomorrow. 2-2

Last three games: Villa (A); W Ham (H); Stoke (A)

Blackpool v Stoke

Holloway's boys have had a right mare in the last couple of months - last win... 3-1 against Spurs on Feb, 22nd - and have picked up just two points out of a possible 18 in their last 6 bouts. They're at home tomorrow, but it'll be no easy task against a Stoke side who are in a confident mood right now. Looking at the Seasiders' last three games - Spurs (A), Bolton (H), Man U (A) - you gotta say that anything less than 3 points tomorrow could spell disaster. Don't know why, but I fancy them to win this by the odd goal.

Haven't forgotten that Blackburn are in the mixer as well. It's just that I've lost complete interest in them since they sacked Big Sam and appointed some bloke with no personality to take over. Their last victory was on the 23rd of January, 2-0 at home to WBA.

Predos

Blackburn 1 1 Bolton
Blackpool 2 1 Stoke
Sunderland 1 1 Fulham
WBA 2 1 Villa
Wigan 2 2 Everton
Chelsea 2 0 Spurs
Birmingham 1 1 Wolves
Liverpool 3 1 Newcastle
Arsenal 1 2 Man U
City 2 0 W Ham

Fond memories of a cantankerous ol' cunt

Five years ago, this month, an old mentor of mine went to that great big brewery in the sky.

I met Jim in 1987 when I started my first job. I was a lanky, greasy haired youth just beginning to find my way in the world, and Jim was a 50 something, roll up smoking, Guinness drinking, Cullybackey man with a thick Scottish brogue. In those early days I was more than a bit intimidated by him. He wasn't my boss but I did have to consult him on various subjects, and I can remember that feeling of almost dread whenever I would step into his office.

Jim was regarded as something of a fountain of knowledge in the industry; there's no doubt about it - he knew his stuff. The problem, however, was that he came across as though he knew everything. Because of this, Jim had as many enemies as he had friends, but this never really seemed to bother him.

After my first few months of working, I gradually started to lose that feeling of intimidation around him. There was a shitload of stuff I needed to know, and I found out that, on most occasions, Jim was the right man to go to. He'd never give you a straight answer though - there was always a parable to endure before he got to the fucking point.

One thing we both had in common was the bevy, and it wasn't long before I was joining Jim (and a couple of other stalwarts) in the local boozer after work. For me, this was like being accepted into the inner circle, as the pub we drank in was the real deal - no mod cons, no poncing around. It was there that I'd hear colourful tales from the past. I'd have a pint of Bass, Jim would go through his strange Guinness ritual (pint bottle off the shelf, halfin' tumbler with ice) and the snug would be filled with smoke from rollie tobacco and Embassy Regal cigarettes.

Over the next few years we became pretty decent mates. I learned quite a bit about his turbulent past: the booze, the women, the booze - the standard sort of fayre for an Irishman who had been around the block a few times. His advice on the fairer sex was pretty simple, "All whores have a heart of gold."

Then, in the early 90's, Jim received a bit of bad news - the big C. He was told that his chances were fairly good but that the operation would be a biggie. I went to visit him after the op and found him in decent spirits, considering he'd just been cut up like a side of beef. When he was let out to recover, I'd bring his rolling tobacco and papers round to his house - not exactly doctor's orders - and the ol' bastard would complain if I turned up late. No doubt about it: as the years rolled on he became a cantankerous old cunt.

Miraculously, the old boy made a full recovery and continued to work on a part-time basis for the next few years. We were still in the same outfit but my responsibilities had changed, so we couldn't meet up as often for the tea time bevy. Shortly after that, things got a bit too much for Jim, and he gave up the job and moved into a smaller gaff. I didn't visit half as often as I should have, but I still enjoyed bringing a drink round to his house of an odd weekend, and listen to him grumble about the state of the world and those who lived there.

Towards the end, he basically turned into a recluse. I had moved to a different part of the town and lost touch with him. Finally, I got a phone call from a mate to say that Jim had been taken into hospital and had died there a few days later. I was told that he'd just lost the will to carry on.

In truth, there wasn't a big turn out at his funeral - just the way he would've wanted it. I met up with a few ex colleagues who I hadn't seen in a while, and we reminisced about Jim's eccentricities: the Guinness ritual, the way he'd count out his personal possessions (tobacco pouch, rolling machine, keys, etc.) before he left work or the pub, his insistence on having tea, bread and butter with every meal.

Nobody was up for a bevy that day after we left the cemetery, so I never did get the chance to lift a glass to his memory. Now, five years on, I find myself thinking about him, and how he actually taught me a thing or two - some good, some not so good. He could be a right fucking pain in the ass at times, but he was one of the old brigade. Never a gentleman, but always a decent bloke. The type of character that's becoming harder to find in today's world.

With a glass in one hand, and a cigarette in the other,

Cheers Jim

Premier League Darts (Wk 12)

Three left to play. Let's have a gander at the table:

Player	Won	+/-	Points
TAYLOR	10	43	20
ANDERSON	8	25	16
BARNEY	6	10	13
WHITLOCK	5	2	10
WADE	5	-9	10
LEWIS	4	-1	9
JENKINS	2	-29	6
WEBSTER	2	-41	4

Webster v Jenkins. Bottom of the table scrap, this one. The Welshman's lost his last 7 bouts, and has taken some absolute lacings in the last few. It's hard to believe that his last victory was a thumping, 110 average, 8-2 against Lewis. Jenks has been a bit better - picked up a creditable draw against Barney last week - but he's nowhere near the pace of those ahead of him. There's no pressure on Webster, so I fancy him to put in at least one decent shift out of the next three. 8-5 Webster.

Anderson v Taylor. Unless you don't follow the darts, there's nothing more to say about Taylor's performances so far. Anderson's been consistency personified... so how's it gonna go? The Power's ruthless, and Anderson's still intimidated by him. 8-4 Taylor.

Barney v Wade. Wade's obviously upped his Weetabix intake, turning around a poor run of form to win his last three. Barney's been a bit in and out throughout the tournament and will have been rattled by that draw with Jenks last week. Wade has given himself an unexpected chance of making the last four, and I think this'll be what settles the encounter. 8-5 Wade.

Lewis v Whitlock. Jackpot has lost the last three by the same score, 8-3, and faces the prospect of not qualifying for final's night. The boy's an undoubted talent but he just can't keep it switched on for long enough (the world champo being his one exception, of course). With the end in sight, neither player can afford to lose this one, and I just get the feeling that Lewis is going to turn it on. 8-5 Lewis.

Walk down memory lane - There's only one Jocky Wilson!