Stupid fucking handshakes

I live, work in an environment where the handshake is considered an important greeting between blokes. I have no problem with this, in fact I applaud it; there's something old fashioned, indeed respectful, about this. However, I've noticed recently that the 'stupid handshake' is beginning to oust its traditional cousin.

You know what I'm talking about... when the hands of the shakee and the shaker go through some sort of weird, personalised fucking dance routine. There are numerous complications associated with this activity,

  how many individual movements are in the shake?
  what are the movements?
  what is the shake duration?

I went into work the other day and started off with a couple of traditional shakes (no confusion there), then got involved in some type of hand flapping, moved onto vertical salutes, and finished off bumping knuckles - all very fucking unnecessary. I like the traditional shake, the traditional shake works for me.

Now I think I'm being regarded as a bit of a handshaking retard due mainly to my lack of interest and coordination, but I have a plan to remedy this. My solution is simple - people should carry with them a detailed description of the movements in their routine. Basically, when you meet someone that you'll potentially shake hands with in the future, you should swap routines and agree on some sort of daily schedule, "we'll use your routine on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and mine on Tuesday and Thursday." This will give both shaker and shakee time to practice at home and avoid any embarrassing encounters.

Two days lost...

or more appropriately... down the crapper.

Due to my current circumstances, I found myself on my Jack for the New Year. I decided to go out and purchase what I thought was an adequate supply of booze the day before to get me through New Year's Eve. Par for the course, I managed to get through the best part of this before the main event and had to do another run on the Saturday afternoon (par for the course, I bought more than I needed).

My first real recollection of 2012 was waking up on Monday morning. Realising that I still had a small ration of the Devil's piss, I mixed up a booze breakfast and eventually stumbled into the new year some time on Monday night - two days well and truly fucking lost.

The main victim however, has been my arse - I have never 'pissed' so much filth into a toilet bowl in my life! And was it all worth the effort... was it fuck!