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Sunday 26 February 2012

Proper day's football

How refreshing it was to sit back and enjoy the footy today without being reminded of all the bollocks that has recently overshadowed the great British game...

Giggsy scoring the winner against Norwich in his 900th game for the United - magic!


The Gunners comeback from a 0_2 deficit to beat the Spurs 5_2 and the fickleness of the average fan - "we hate you Theo, we love you Theo."


Cardiff City's dreams cruelly shattered by the Scousers in a dramatic LC final penalty shoot-out.


Rangers bouncing back from their ongoing financial woes with a 4_1 away win.

Just for a change, we could forget about: racism, administration, tax evasion, spoilt bastards throwing their rattles out of prams, special projects, and retards tweeting when they shoud just be shutting the fuck up.

Monday 20 February 2012

KLSI

Hats off to the bloke who was collecting the fares on the bus this lunchtime. Multiple leers, the odd wolf whistle at any bird that caught his eye when the bus was stopped - did almost everything but take his cock out.

Friday 17 February 2012

King Leer Society, International

Back in the day, (thanks, Pawn Stars - I can't get that out of my fucking head now) me and my old mate Conrad coined this phrase - I'm not claiming we were the first, we just hadn't heard anyone else use it.

Does it mean that we were fans of the Shakespearean tragedy? No, not really. I've never actually read it. What it means is that we were actually partial to ogling the better examples of the female form. Just looked at the definitions/examples of ogle and leer:

Ogle: to glance with amorous invitation or challenge; he sat at the bar, ogling several women.

Leer: to cast a sidelong glance; she complained that some disgusting man was leering at her.

It soon became obvious to us that there were many like-minded souls in this society, and that several methods were employed in leering:

The full on leer - used mainly by the novice, or the sexual deviant. Lacks subtlety and finesse; leaves the leeree with no doubt in her mind about what's going on.

The mistimed leer - a poorly executed manoevure which results in eye contact. The leerer is left embarrassed, but this can be avoided with more practise.

The consumate leer - this incorporates the use of peripheral vision, and requires the leerer to be aware of his surroundings at all times. Basically, you have the leeree in your sights long before she enters your leering zone, affording a reasonable glance at the frontage. Then, you avert your gaze until she has walked past you, allowing you to take in the view without fear of detection. However, beware the backward glance - the best of us have been caught out by this.

Since I've been in South America, I've been very impressed with the high standard of leering form the Latinos. It's only when you've walked down a main street over here (especially on a good day) that you can truly appreciate just how many curves and cleavages are actually on show - spoilt for choice. I'm proud to say that our international members have mastered the age old art, and will no doubt pass this skill onto future generations.

Saturday 4 February 2012

Old face, young cleavage

I was on a bus today when some nearby cleavage caught my gaze. Proper bloke that I am, I paused to have a butchers at it before glancing at the owner's face (I guess she was about mid-forties), and it was at this point I relaised something just wasn't adding up. The cleavage was deep and split a pair of perfectly good, fresh looking tits, however, the woman's mug left a lot to be desired - wrinkly, troubled, uncared for.

I repeated the observation process a few times - cleavage, face, cleavage, face - and each time it felt like I was looking at two different people. What was her story? Had she intended to have everything renovated only to run out of funds before getting started on the roof, or had the hardships of life only affected her boat and left the chest area unscathed?

Friday 3 February 2012

Lady parts

I was on holiday last week and I seemed to spend a lot of time looking at women's arses, and now that I've come back I'm paying more attention to the chest area. Does this mean that next week I'll be concentrating on the thigh area? This apparently natural switch of focus has puzzled me for a long time.

This topic came up in a highly intellectual conversation amongst a few mates of mine years ago, but we never really got to the bottom of it. I'm sure there's some high-falutin' scientific explanation that I'm just too fucking lazy to look for, so here's my take on it - I think it has something to do with the first female body part that we ogle at the beginning of the day. I have no scientific research to back this up except that there seemed to be a lot of firm, well rounded arses on display last week, and the first thing that caught my eye yesterday was an exceptionally well mounted set of Bristols.

I read somewhere that the average bloke is attracted to a female whose waist is roughly 7/10's the size of her thighs; this is supposed to be genetically stamped into our brains and relates to a bird's child bearing abilities. That would explain why we cringe when we see some fat bird in a tracksuit whose waist and thighs are roughly the same circumference. This also means that even the most stupid fuckwit can claim to have some knowledge of fractions.