A Premier Leagueless Weekend

Since I've been over here I probably follow the Premiership more than I did before. The reason for that is simple - you just don't have the chance to discuss it as often, so you spend more time checking the internet for the latest news. The majority of weekend mornings from August to May are spent glued to Fox Sports and/or ESPN (the wife having signed a Premier League non-interference clause some time ago). Because of the time difference the drill is very simple - wake up, have a scratch, take a slash; mug of tea, smoke a ciggie; back to bed, have a scratch, switch on the footy... piece of piss. But what happens when there is no Premier League?

To make sense of this situation one has to examine the main factor - the time difference. Back home, the drill was completely different. No Saturday or Sunday was complete without first hitting the local before kickoff, getting the first pint down whilst perusing the fixed odds, and then heading over to the bookies before finally setting your ass on a stool to follow the next few hours entertainment with the mates. In other words, I had the morning time to work out and prepare how my afternoon was going to pan out, football or not.

Now when the Premiership schedule is interrupted I just become confused, incapable of rational thought, and unable to answer simple questions like: When do I get out of bed? What's the best time to have that first mug of tea and a smoke? Have I scratched or not? It's disorientating.

Regardless of this, the most important thing to remember is that the wife has a good idea what's going on. She knows that you can't use the Premier League to get out of doing stuff - making the breakfast, going for an early shop, or helping out with the laundry - so you gotta box clever. Here are a few tried and tested Plan B's:

Just watch any football that may be on the telly - it happened to be Brazil v Scotland this morning. It can be hard to feign interest (are you listening Scotland) but it will buy you an extra couple of hours in your kip.

In the absence of any type of football, watch some other type of sport. This is perhaps the most difficult ruse to pull off due to the shit that is normally shown in the morning time, but if you're a professional lazy bastard, like myself, you can persevere. Remember - whatever it is you're watching, you've gotta look very interested, otherwise your beloved will expose you for the charlatan you are.

If you find the above suggestion impossible, you can always blame the tv listings. To carry this one off you need to be able to maintain a serious (and perplexed) expression whilst saying, "It said on the schedule that the (imaginary) match would be starting at 9am. Ah well, maybe it's actually starting an hour later." Don't get greedy if you decide to use this one, as an idle hour in bed is better than the missus finding out that you'd tell a barefaced lie just to stay in bed all morning.

The last method is intoxication. Get really steamed the night before and remain in a coma until late the next day. This is not without its problems but at least it gets you out of doing anything remotely constructive the next morning.