The old VAMOS UNITED post fell a bit flat on its arse, didn't it?

Despondent, I went on an extended lash with my mate Sean, eventually making it home at 'fuck knows o'clock.' If I'd been told the next day that I'd got a lift home on a magic carpet, I still wouldn't have remembered it. To rub salt into the wounds, the missus gave me the total blank for 48 hours, which was, incidentally, about how long it took my bowels to regain normal movement.

Football... fucking love it, I do!

Vamos, United!

The day has finally arrived. After a belting finale to the Premier League last weekend, we now have a monumental clash in the CL between Manchester United and Barcelona. I won't lie to you. I'm nervous.

Ecuador's a funny place to watch a game like this. On the one hand, you've got the traditional ties with Spain, and therefore a base of fans who'll be strongly behind the Catalans. On the other hand, you've got Antonio Valencia whom the locals are very proud of.

I've been waiting for this all week, and I'll be heading out to watch it with my Gooner mate, Sean (who'll spend the entire day reminding me about the 2-1 victory at the Emirates). The venue has been selected, the lucky boxer shorts (that really heavy skid mark never did completely come out) are prepared, and the missus has given me GBH of the earhole about not coming back steamers. We're good to go.

There's only one thing left to say,

VAMOS, UNITED!

Premier League 10/11 (Final Week)

Many a fan will need a fill of the Devil's urine tonight to get them to sleep before tomorrow's cracking finale. Five teams will battle it out to avoid the drop (the permutations are endless) - Wigan, Blackpool, Birmingham, Wolves, Blackburn - but only three of them will live to have another go next season.

The small matter of 3rd and 4th is still to be sorted out, along with the lesser issue of 5th and 6th. Who's your money on?

Wolves v Blackburn

Both sides are on 40 points, Blackburn having the superior goal difference. Wolves have dug in over the last few games and have done exactly what they needed to do, but they could have avoided all of this had they performed better against the lower placed teams in the league. The mathematics of this one are a bit simpler to work out - victory for either team, and they will stay up. Blackburn have played reasonably well in the last 3 games but I still expect Wolves to take this one. 2-0

Stoke v Wigan

The Potters have suffered a right miserable fucking week at the hands of Man City, but they've had a very good season regardless. Wigan (no small thanks to N'Zogbia) turned it around last week to send the Hammers packing, and have given themselves a chance of avoiding the drop. I think it would have been better for the Latics if Stoke had won the cup, as you'd now imagine that Pulis wants his boys to go out and finish the season with a sound victory. 3-1

Spurs v Birmingham

It was looking all so rosy for McLeish's boys three months ago - League Cup win over Arsenal, and nobody seriously thinking they were going to end up in the shit at the bottom end - but that's exactly were they find themselves. Spurs looked like they were quite happy to finish in 6th spot until they went to Anfield last week and actually put in a decent shift. I just don't see Birmingham getting anything from this one, especially after that hapless display at home to Fulham last week. 2-0

Man U v Blackpool

There's been a load of talk about this fixture all week and what sort of side Fergie is going to put out, but would any of the other 4 relegation threatened sides swap places with the Seasiders? I'd love to see Blackpool get another season in the Prem, but a lot depends on what happens in the other crucial games. United to win by the odd goal with Holloway sweating over the wireless until the final whistle.

Bolton v City
Fulham v Arsenal

City, without looking like the real deal, have put themselves into a great position of snatching third place from under the Gunners' snouts. What can you say about the Arsenal? Can't imagine there are many Gooners that'll take too many positives from this campaign, and the big question will be, what can they do to turn things around over the summer?

I fancy City to get at least a point at Bolton, but I think Arsenal are gonna have another one of those days at Fulham.

Predos

It's so close to call, but I think Wigan and Birmingham will be playing in the Champo next season, and City will force the Gunners into playing some early CL games... however, it wouldn't be the first time I fucked up a predo, and it certainly won't be the last.

What does a lazy bastard do on his day off?

Are you one of those blokes who works hard but doesn't know what to do with his free time? Here are some tips to help you fill that dead time:

Exercise

There is no excuse for neglecting your regime just because you're on holiday. I spent at least an extra minute scratching my arsehole before getting out of bed this morning. On top of this, I have made several arduous trips to the bog and the kitchen.

Drunch/ Breakohol (don't know which sounds better)

Whatever you want to call it, it is the most important meal of the day. Get something edible and melt cheese over it. Then, prepare a nutritious bevy to go with it. Luckily, this morning, the missus made a smoothie type thing which is going down well with the bottle of rum I brought home last night.

Music

This is very much dependant on drucnh (or breakohol). I've chosen a mixture of Kate Bush and Rush this morning (muchas gracias, Youtube).

Kate's thighs are still as I remembered all those years ago in the Babooshka video... Kate, you're a fucking legend:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ot3cVY1JESQ

Check out the Waterboys as well. Love this when I'm on a morning lash:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug7bVBxtAbM

Fucking love a bit of decent music in the morning, me.

The telly

Fuck all on, as usual, so I watched some of season 5 of Family Guy on dvd (Church of Fonzy is a classic). Got bored with that, so I'm going to watch my favourite episode of Peep Show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug7bVBxtAbM

Bollocks, almost out of rum..........

Planks

Where I come from, the word plank is used to refer to someone of limited intelligence:

"As thick as a plank."
"You fucked that right up, you plank."

I was reading at the weekend that some Aussie bloke fell 7 floors to his death, and that it might have been due to planking. Having never heard of the activity, I looked it up:

People lie down (like a plank, I assume) in an unorthodox location and have photographs taken of them... hmmm.

Have some human beings become so fucking board that this is what they have resorted to? I would also question if this is indeed a new fad, as my mate Spud used to do this all the time as far back as the 1980's (I remember one night when he lay motionless on the dog basket after a few Carlsberg Special Brews and a bottle of Merrydown Triple Vintage). Come to think of it, the chap in the San Viernes post could be said to be planking beside the gutter.

Speaking of planks. I just found out, to my horror, that the world's gonna end this Saturday! Well, it won't actually end this Saturday - it'll just be the start of a 5 month period of nasty things before the end. Intrigued, and confused as I thought it was supposed to end next year in December, I needed more information...

I came across a website last night that I thought would give me the answers. I must admit, I sort of lost interest after a while as the mathematics of the whole thing is a bit on the sketchy side. It goes something like this:

Noah's flood + 7 days (which is really 7,000 years) + one month & 17 days (which isn't really one month & 17 days) = the 21st of May, 2011 (+ 5 months) = the 21st of October, 2011

Those End of Dayers are probably forced to join religious organisations because they're shit at maths and can't find a decent job. Still, I'm gonna have egg (and fuck knows what else) all over my boat race on Saturday if it turns out to be true.

Premier League (Wk 37)

We got a bit of everything last weekend:

United basically won the league. Arsenal treated their fans to another one of those performances. City guaranteed fourth spot without looking convincing. Liverpool, under King Kenny, now look like the Harlem Globetrotters of the Premier. And Spurs continued to treat the Europa League like a dose of the clap. There are a few dead rubbers around this weekend, so I'll have a butchers at the meaningful encounters.

Wigan v W Ham

You've gotta admire Avram's optimisim, but I think the Hammers have as much chance of staying up as Fergie has of getting through a season without facing an FA misconduct charge. Wigan picked up a point at Villa last week, so a win on Sunday would make for a very interesting trip to Stoke on the last day (a lot depending on how the cup final pans out). Wigan 2-1

Blackpool v Bolton

Bolton haven't finished as strongly as I thought they would have, but I suppose it's been a decent season for them. Blackpool, on the other hand, have made life very hard for themselves in the last few months, and I just have the feeling that they're going to miss out. They need the three points tomorrow and then hope that United turn up in a casual, last day of school mood, the following weekend (wishful thinking). Blackpool 2-1

Sunderland v Wolves

I've tipped Wolves to stay up, and I'm gonna stand by this. I think they are capable of getting 4 points from the last two games, starting with a point away to Sunderland tomorrow. The Black Cats, like a few other sides, have had a bad spell (really bad spell) in the second half of the season and will be content that things didn't get any worse than mid-table obscurity. 1-1

Liverpool v Spurs

For a long time, the old chant was that Liverpool were nowt without their talisman Steven What d'you call 'em. How things have changed - 20 points out of the last 10 games and 13 goals in the last 3 bouts. Spurs, meanwhile, have had a right miserable time since their CL exit, and I can't help but think that most of it is down to their own naivety. Did Redknapp actually think they were going to go all the way? And now that they've missed out on a CL spot, the rattle's come out of the pram about the Europa League. I don't often say this, but I hope the Reds give them a good fucking hiding on Sunday. 3-0

Predos

Blackburn 1 2 Man U
Blackpool 2 1 Bolton
Sunderland 1 1 Wolves
WBA 2 2 Everton
Chelsea 2 0 Newcastle
Arsenal 3 1 Villa
Birmingham 1 1 Fulham
Liverpool 3 0 Spurs
Wigan 2 1 W Ham

Premier League Darts (Wk 14)

There's nothing but pride to play for in the first two bouts of the final league night. Wade had given himself a sniff in the latter stages but that was extinguished last week against Taylor. Jenkins kept plodding away but was never near the top four pace.

Barney, as expected, has qualified (without making it look as convincing as it should have been). Webster never really got going in his league debut, despite hitting a 107 average early in the campaign.

The last two games will decide who gets the fourth spot. Lewis is up against Anderson, and Whitlock plays Taylor. Let's be honest, the Aussie doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of going through - that draw against Webster did him no favours whatsoever. Lewis would have a sweat on if Whitlock was up against lesser opposition, but the combination of the two point difference and the Aussie's opponent makes his task a lot easier.

Wade 8 5 Jenkins
Barney 8 4 Webster
Lewis 8 6 Anderson
Taylor 8 5 Whitlock

Premier League (Wk 36)

As the great Ian Dury once said, reasons to be cheerful...

I've got the day off work - the sun's splitting the trees. I've just opened a bottle of rum (I'll apologise now for any grammatical fuck ups) - the missus won't be back until late tonight. And as if that wasn't enough... there's a belting weekend of Prem footy to look forward to. Life's good when you keep it simple.

Man U v Chelsea

Where do you start with this one? Man U have already confirmed their place in the CL final (how did Schalke make it to the semi?) and could put the league title beyond doubt. Chelsea, after looking very ordinary earlier on, could put the cat amongst the winged rats and thrust themselves into pole position. Fergie said he had a sleepless night before the Schalke game owing to his (not so risky after all) team selection. Me thinks he'll lose a few more Z's tomorrow night. Ancelloti's boys have nothing to lose, but a hell of a lot to gain. All said, I've got a gut feeling that United will sow it up on Sunday. 2-1

Stoke v Arsenal

My expat mate (and long suffering Gooner), Sean, has just reminded me that this fixture has more than its fair share of previous. To quote the good old BBC, "Wenger has long complained of Stoke taking a robust approach more akin to rugby." The difference between the two sides is that the Potters still have a chance of lifting some silverware. The Gunners aren't going to do any better than CL qualification, so it's a bit of a dead rubber. Still, I fancy the north London boys to take this by the odd goal.

Everton v Man City

You've gotta respect Everton, and David Moyes. No money to spend, shit starts to the last few seasons, yet they always seem to finish strongly. This'll be a tough game for City who are still without Tevez, but they'll be happy as Larry with a 4th place finish and an FA Cup final appearance. Everton by the odd goal.

Top 3, bottom 3 predos

No change at the top. It'll finish:

Man U
Chelsea
Arsenal

At the bottom:

W Ham
Wigan
Blackpool

One last thing to leave you with. I watched the Copa Libertadores match on the telly last night between Junior (Colombia) and Jaguares (Mexico). Cracking game which finished 4-4 on aggregate, the Mexican side winning on away goals. The best bit was, in the second half, when a supporter ran onto the pitch and was 'halted' by one of the players. I'm sure it'll pop up on You Tube before long.

Premier League Darts (Wk 13)

Taylor's there, Anderson's there, and Barney's all but there, but who's going to join them...

Whitlock v Webster. The Welshman bit the dust a while back, but can he chalk up one final victory before it's all over? The maths are pretty simple for Whitlock - he's gotta win tomorrow, especially as his last bout is against Taylor (and Taylor isn't in the habit of easing up, regardless of his position). I'm tempted to go for the surprise result, but it's hard to argue with the stats. 8-4 Whitlock.

Anderson v Barney. Let's just assume that the Dutchman's already through. The difference in the outcome of this game could come down to consistency, and the Scot is slightly ahead in that respect. Barney's last two matches have ended in draws, so can he raise his game? I think Anderson will take this one, 8-5.

Jenkins v Lewis. Said it before - Jenkins is the type of player that Lewis can have problems against. The Bull's as good as out of it, but Jackpot's not yet assured a place in the final four. I think Lewis will do just enough to win this one. 8-5.

Wade v Taylor. Wade hasn't lost in his last four, and still has a chance of reaching the final night. Taylor, after losing his opener, has destroyed the field and looks unstoppable. He doesn't need the points, but that won't make a difference tomorrow. 8-5 Taylor.

Can you please ensure that your fucking mobile phones are switched off before...

I've always loved the whole airport, flying thing - I feel like a little kid again when I turn up at the airport, especially one I've never been to before. However, over the past few years I have become increasingly fucked off by the amount of time people spend on their gadgets in the departure lounge, on the plane, etc.

I remember a simpler time before laptops, iPods, smart phones, etc. I remember a time when the wait in the departure lounge was put to good use by reading a book, doing a crossword, or having a smoke and a beer in the bar - wholesome, healthy pursuits.

It's a couple of weeks ago and we're waiting for a flight to the coast. Some bloke sitting closeby has a laptop held to the side of his head and he's speaking into some kind of microphone jutting out the side of his lug. He's obviously making a phone call, or trying to, and two thoughts immediately spring to mind. One, has this fucker no idea how stupid he looks? Two, how is this more convenient than making a normal call - the guy has a great big fucking laptop stuck to the side of his head!

I take a few minutes to survey the whole departure lounge and it's nothing more than a pathetic gathering of slaves to technology. I observe that they've installed a little bar which is a new addition to the place since my last visit. The boy behind the bar is playing on his mobile phone, looking virtually redundant. Our flight's due to leave in about 30 minutes but I can't pass up the opportunity of getting a beer down me. I sup the first one double quick and get up for another - the boy's face says it all, "that's two more than I've served all day." My missus is quick to point out that I'm the only one in the area having a bevy. Might be the only one with a beer, but I'm one of the few who isn't fingering a keypad or looking longingly into a screen.

When we get on the plane, there's this little suit sitting beside my missus. He's feverishly wanking off his Blackberry, no doubt trying to knock out one final message in case the plane crashes. The trolley dolly comes over and quite rightly asks him to switch it off. The suit nods in compliance and then, when she walks away, proceeds to pull another phone out of his jacket - the cunt is now sitting there with a mobile in either hand! A nerve twitches in my forehead and I can feel the red mist descend. It's a 30 minute flight, for fuck sake! What's so important that it can't wait for another half hour?

Then comes my favourite bit of the flight - the landing. You know, the bit were you're told not to stand up or switch on mobile phones until the plane has come to a complete stop. The suit has one of his Blackberry clan in his hand, making a call before the tyres have even touched tarmac. It's not long before he's followed by the rest of the twats, milling aimlessly around the aisle switching on phones before the plane's remotely close to the terminal. I particularly enjoy the fact that people still expect to be magically whisked off the plane before the pilot has applied the handbrake - you won't get off any fucking faster just because you stand up first!

The mobile gadget has become much more than just a means of communication. For a lot of socially inept people, it is an inanimate friend, "I don't have any real mates, but you'll always be there for me, won't you?" For others, it's just a prop to make them look normal when trying to fill periods of dead time. It's almost like, when we have nothing to do, we have quite simply forgotten what it's like to do absolutely fuck all.