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Friday 23 March 2012

When shitting becomes a real pain in the arse

Got a new job a few months ago and my daily routine has changed accordingly because of the early morning starts. I didn't notice it immediately, but the old bowels (there's more than one, isn't there?) haven't been a bit pleased with the resulting changes. Traditionally, I'd always taken a dump around 7:30 and another one before lunchtime - that was pretty much me for the day. Now, it's anyone's fucking guess when I'll find myself in the crapper.

The one constant is the first shit of the day. I'm up around 5:30 and I'm on the porcelain within 2 minutes - that's a given. The problem is that my arse has started teasing me (it's like a game of chicken) just before I leave the house about 6 o'clock. I'm a lazy bastard so I can't afford the luxury of shitting twice before I leave for work - 50% of the time I give in and get my trunks down again. The real hassle begins when I don't want to play the game, and just bolt out the door.

You see, you've gotta factor in all the variables: length of bus journey; availability of crappers in work; number of cigarettes x cups of tea/coffee. This is a fucking science in its own! The problem becomes exascerbated (doesn't look right) when you introduce the most unpredictable factor of them all - alcohol consumption. Here's an example:

Went out on Saturday night and had a right skinful - beer, whiskey, rum. Suffered all day Sunday but was feeling 100% come Monday morning (pity my sphincter muscle hadn't received the news). Before I'd got out of the house I'd served up two portions of mini logs (the second didn't flush so good), and was comtemplating a third before 7 o'clock. Stifled that urge for about an hour before giving in, and found myself on the pot again just before lunchtime. I don't mind telling you... I felt exhausted. It's now Thursday, and I reckon I've been more than a dozen times so far this week.

Then there's the wiping, the endless fucking wiping. It's not too bad when you can wipe clean in one session, but you've always gotta be wary of leaving 'man's make-up' behind, especially after a shower. I've never been too fussy about what type of paper I use to clean my ass - newspaper would do if there wasn't anything else available - but recently I've had to start buying the real classy stuff, you know, like $3 a pack. I'm fighting a losing battle here, so the least I can do is pamper the offending area.

Sunday 18 March 2012

Old people fuck faster than...

people walk, over here.

I have absolutely no tolerance for how painfully slowly people walk in this part of the world.

I was in a shopping centre (mall, whatever) yesterday afternoon and I spent most of the time mumbling fuck, shit, bollocks whilst stuck behind slow traffic. I got particularly vexed when I couldn't get by two bints eating ice creams and talking shit whilst moving at the speed of a couple of arthritic snails. I then observed some tart, deep in mobile phone conversation, shuffling up to the escalator only to find that she was trying to go up the one that was going down.

People should really be expected to pass some sort of 'walking coordination test' to prove that they can maintain a certain speed whilst carrying out some basic manual task.

Friday 16 March 2012

Things are never that bad...

if you can pause to admire some cleavage.

I've been having a pretty piss poor time of it recently - you name it, it seems to be going wrong. So, today I decided to have a coffee and a smoke outside just to, you know, go to my happy place. As I was daydreaming of fuck knows, I was suddenly jolted back into this life by nearby cleavage - the kind of cleavage you want to take a photo of and send to Epic Tits.

It was at this point that I asked myself the following... how bad do things have to get before a man will stop acknowledging lady parts?

The average bloke could be suffering from clinical depression whilst having a flesh eating disease devouring his muchacho, and still think, "hold up... look at the arse on that."

Tuesday 13 March 2012

Lest I ever forget

Smoke out the back, don´t smoke out the back

You can´t cook if you can´t clean up

Close the fridge door the moment you take something out of it

Never leave the microwave plugged in when not in use

If your water isn´t too yellow, don´t flush the toilet

Tulip and the Nazi