When shitting becomes a real pain in the arse

Got a new job a few months ago and my daily routine has changed accordingly because of the early morning starts. I didn't notice it immediately, but the old bowels (there's more than one, isn't there?) haven't been a bit pleased with the resulting changes. Traditionally, I'd always taken a dump around 7:30 and another one before lunchtime - that was pretty much me for the day. Now, it's anyone's fucking guess when I'll find myself in the crapper.

The one constant is the first shit of the day. I'm up around 5:30 and I'm on the porcelain within 2 minutes - that's a given. The problem is that my arse has started teasing me (it's like a game of chicken) just before I leave the house about 6 o'clock. I'm a lazy bastard so I can't afford the luxury of shitting twice before I leave for work - 50% of the time I give in and get my trunks down again. The real hassle begins when I don't want to play the game, and just bolt out the door.

You see, you've gotta factor in all the variables: length of bus journey; availability of crappers in work; number of cigarettes x cups of tea/coffee. This is a fucking science in its own! The problem becomes exascerbated (doesn't look right) when you introduce the most unpredictable factor of them all - alcohol consumption. Here's an example:

Went out on Saturday night and had a right skinful - beer, whiskey, rum. Suffered all day Sunday but was feeling 100% come Monday morning (pity my sphincter muscle hadn't received the news). Before I'd got out of the house I'd served up two portions of mini logs (the second didn't flush so good), and was comtemplating a third before 7 o'clock. Stifled that urge for about an hour before giving in, and found myself on the pot again just before lunchtime. I don't mind telling you... I felt exhausted. It's now Thursday, and I reckon I've been more than a dozen times so far this week.

Then there's the wiping, the endless fucking wiping. It's not too bad when you can wipe clean in one session, but you've always gotta be wary of leaving 'man's make-up' behind, especially after a shower. I've never been too fussy about what type of paper I use to clean my ass - newspaper would do if there wasn't anything else available - but recently I've had to start buying the real classy stuff, you know, like $3 a pack. I'm fighting a losing battle here, so the least I can do is pamper the offending area.