Urban Myth or the Real Deal?

I used to have a mate, Adamson, who was in the Army Air Corps. Twenty something years ago, after a stint in Germany, he told me these two yarns over a bevy:

To mark his first tour of duty, a young greenhorn went in search of a prostitute. It didn't take long for one to give him a nod on a street corner and he accompanied her to a sleazy hotel. She discussed her terms - once you shoot your load, you pay up - and they got into the lift to go to her floor. In the lift she started rubbing his muchacho through his trousers to get him in the mood. The young lad, obviously not too experienced, couldn't handle the foreplay and came in his pants just as the lift reached her floor. Sure enough, as per the agreement, the prozzie demanded payment and the embarrassed young squaddie left the hotel without even getting his cock out of the holster.

The second starts in similar fashion, the only difference being that the squaddie involved had struck up a bit of habitual business with some sort. They went back to her digs one night, did the deed, and the bloke stayed until morning. When he woke up he found that all his gear was gone - clothes, shoes, watch, money... the lot. While trying to work out what to do next, he decided to exact some revenge by shitting on the bed. As he was in the process of smearing it over the sheets, his lady friend came in carrying his belongings which she had taken the time to clean.

These stories, when told, spread like wildfire (or shit on a sheet) and it wasn't long before I'd heard both of them retold complete with embellishments - one mate even walked into the bar one night and swore blind that he had told me them first when I'd actually told him the same stories about six months earlier. Only recently, when having a sup with a colleague over here, I heard an almost word perfect version of the first one.

You see, no one wants to admit that they were way down the chain when the story was doled out. I'm fairly sure that the versions I heard all those years ago weren't the originals - fuck knows how long they've been doing the rounds. But it's good to see that they still pop up in conversation, regardless of where you are.

Don't stand so close to me... with your cock, bliff, etc.

It was lashing down the other day so I jumped on a passing bus. I was well fucking pleased with myself as I was able to find an aisle seat close to the back of the old bone-shaker. As we trundled along, more sodden passengers climbed on until the bus was full to the fucking gills.

Some punter was forced to support himself using the back of my seat - he was stood square to my shoulder. I'm never too chuffed about my personal space being invaded, and was even less pleased when I realised that his man part was occasionally rubbing up against my upper arm. I can't say for certain that he was an 'opportunist upper arm rapist' but I gave him a "no more!" glare and that was the end of that.

A couple of stops later he got off and was replaced by some bird, resplendent in a classy pair of black leggings, who assumed the exact same position. It wasn't long before her camel's hoof started hovering around the same upper arm area. She wasn't exactly in the best condition but it was definitely a step up from the rogue cock of a few moments earlier.

The hat-trick of body parts was eventually completed when, close to home, some woman got on with her sprog, sat down in the seat across from me, and whipped out one of her floppy thruppeny bits for a feeding session... nice, real fucking nice.

MILF takes a huge load all over her face

I was researching some material recently for one of my high brow articles, and absent-mindedly stumbled upon an adult web site. Embarrassed, indeed mortified, at what I saw, I immediately tried to exit the foul site only to find that I had inadvertantly started playing all 16 minutes and 23 seconds of material that was surely sent from the bowels of hell itself. As if this wasn't bad enough, I realised later that the same video had inexplicably been downloaded to RealPlayer. In vain, I tried to delete the filth, but to no avail.

A few days later I arrived home to discover that my angelic wife was playing some music videos on RealPlayer. Struck by the notion that my darling may doubt the validity of my story, I quickly prepared a plausible white lie - someone else must have been using the laptop. Luckily, my dearest spouse didn't scroll down far enough to discover the shameful chronicle of that young mother - it wasn't just on her face... it was aallll over her face!

I am presently composing a stern email to send to the internet provider as, if you can believe such an unfavourable turn of events, the same thing has occurred on several occasions since.

Bet you were thinking, "Right, I'm going to have a bloody good wank!"

Premier League - wk 7

Been so fucking busy recently that I've totally neglected my usual take on the Prem. I'm glad to say that normal service has now been resumed. So, what's been going on...

I hear Tevez upset a few people during the week. What I can't get my head around is why so many people are that fucking surprised. The only comment I read which I agreed with 100% was that of Tony Pullis - not my concern, I've got other things to worry about (or something to that effect).

United, world beaters a fortnight ago, have trodden on a defensive banana skin in the last week. Just about got a point at Stoke last Saturday, and almost fucked it up completely against Basle, midweek. Again, not that surprising when you consider the amount of goals they could have leaked at home to the Gunners and Chelsea.

So what's on the cards for this weekend?

Man U are at home to Norwich. Regardless of the frailties in defence, if United have their big guns avaialble up front they should be able to out punch any of the other 19 sides. Delia's boys are on a mini roll with max points in their last two games, but you'd expect United to put a few past them tomorrow. 4-1

City, after the midweek soap opera, are away to struggling Blackburn tomorrow, so it's as good a chance as any to get back on track straight away. With the young lad Agüero up front there's more than enough of a goal scoring threat. 1-3

What in the fuck has happened to Bolton recently? They've lost 5 out of 6 and conceded 16 goals - definitely not the side we've got used to watching over the last few seasons. Chelsea are plodding along quietly, and you just know they'll be there or there abouts come the end of the season. Think this one could end up a draw, 1-1.

North London derby on Sunday. The Spurs have started the better of the two sides but they haven't looked that convincing either - loved that little fright Shamrock gave them yesterday. Just to spice this one up a bit more, there's also the chance that Adebayour will be facing his old employers. It's hard to see Arsenal having anything other than an average campaign this season, so I fancy the home side to take the points. 2-1

As for the rest:

Everton 2 2 Liverpool
Villa 2 0 Wigan
Sunderland 1 0 WBA
Wolves 1 1 Newcastle
Fulham 2 1 QPR
Swansea 2 1 Stoke

On the Bus

This isn't to be confused with the classic 60's/70's British sitcom starring Reg Varney et al.

I got on a city bus this morning - it was hot, the vehicle was full to the hilt, and questionable odours filled my nostrils. Some old cunt was standing under my own questionable armpit, muttering something offensive about foreigners. I started thinking that it would have been better to flag down a taxi.

We got to the next stop and a few more people piled on, one of them being a rather tall, black woman wearing a low cut blouse and skin tight jeans - as my old mate Nobby would have said, "not too shabby."

The bus pulled away and everyone started jostling for a comfortable stance. As we all started to settle again, I became aware that myself and the aforementioned shapely sort were now standing back to back. As the vehicle trundled along, swerving this way and that, I noticed that our assholes were doing more than their fair share of bumping into each other.

Now, we've all been there at some stage in our lives - you let your respective body part have a bit of harmless fun. The question is, how much fun (or freedom) do you allow the body part before retiring it to a safe distance? Here's what I think, based on personality types:

The Shy, Nerdy Type - will be horrified by what all that stuff Sir Isaac Newton invented is making him do. He will remove his offending body part immediately, but later use the incident as ammo whilst jerking off.

The Guilty Type - will let the dice roll a bit longer before being overcome by self-loathing.

The Normal Type - will last a bit longer but won't have the nuggets to stay the course. He'll put the little bit of bus foreplay down to the natural laws of physics, and forget all about it.

The Imaginative Type - will stay in the theatre of combat (convinced that his new butt buddy is up for it as well) until one, or both, disembark. He'll then go home and write a blog about it.

The Entreprenurial Type - will seize the opportunity to make one of those outdoor movies that most of us have seen, but won't admit to.

Premier League - Wk 4

I just don't have the time at the moment to review the games to my satisfaction. However, I've got a decent break coming up next month when I'll be able to eat, sleep and DRINK footy... can't come fucking quick enough!

Here's the predos,

Gunners 2 1 Swans
Everton 1 1 Villa
City 4 0 Wigan
Stoke 1 1 Pool
Sunderland 0 1 Chelsea
Wolves 2 1 Spurs
Bolton 1 3 Man U
Norwich 1 1 WBA
Fulham 2 0 Blackburn
QPR 1 1 Toon

A bizarre game of football

I've just watched that Man U v Arsenal game, and what a surreal experience it was.

Man U - a team injected with youthful players who, quite honestly, look as if they've been playing together for years.

Arsenal - how would you accurately describe that team/performance today?

I make no bones about it... I've been a Man U fan for as long as I can remember. However, I didn't find myself gloating over today's result, and the only real satisfaction I took from it was the fact that it's another 3 points in the bag (especially after City's demolition job over Spurs).

Since I was a lad this fixture was always the one I looked forward to. A few of my mates were Gooners and this only added extra spice to things, before and after (I vividly recall not being able to show my tear-streaked mug after the '79 Cup Final). I can't remember a time when the outcome of a bout between these two footballing legends was ever a certainty... until today. Yes, I predo'd this one to be 3 to no in favour of the home team, but I never expected to see such a scoreline.

Man U's future looks bright and I hope for the sake of pure football that they rub their precocious, big-spending neighbour's noses in it by the end of the season, but what's in store for the Arsenal and weary old Wenger?

I'm only an observer of the game - by no means an expert - but it's hard to see how things were ever going to work out okay given what's gone on over the last couple of seasons. Fabregas was always going to be on his way out and you would've put your house on Nasri following suit (a couple of assists today for his new outfit wouldn't have made Wenger feel any better). Relying on jaded figures such as Arshavin and Rosicky might be alright against lesser oppostion but they're never going to win you a league title. RvP is a quality striker but he's only as good as the service he's provided with, and Walcott never seems to play two good games in a row. Include the fact that they haven't signed anyone of note and the the transfer window closes on Wednesdsay then even the most casual observer will conclude that this is going to be a very long season for Arsenal fans.

One fan wrote into the BBC to say that what is going on at the club is nothing short of "footballing negligence." I haven't got a clue what's happening behind the scenes but I think that statement is a fair one to describe the situation.

Ignorant Cunts

One thing that really gets on my tits is the shop assistant who gives you the total blank when you walk in to buy something. You know the type - they'll do anything but talk to you or make eye contact.

I went into a local shop the other day to get a pack of smokes; the bloke behind the counter was chatting with someone off to the side. I asked for my usual brand, (Lark, good smoke, never had cancer once) he handed them to me, gave me my change, and never once broke off the conversation.

Walked into the same place a couple of days later to get another pack, only this time some middle-aged woman is sitting there knitting. She gives them to me, hands me my change, never dropped a fucking stitch during the process. I thought to myself, you ignorant cunt, and as quickly as I thought it, I said it in an off-hand sort of way. She looked briefly at me and then resumed her knitting.

It wasn't until I had left the store that I realised I had just wasted a perfectly good, perfectly justified insult - I live in Ecuador, how many people here understand the meaning of "ignorant cunt." What I should've said was something like, "ignorante de mierda," but by then I'd missed the window of opportunity.

AGAIN! (02, Sep)

Called in yesterday afternoon and the fucking bitch snubbed me again... that's 3 for 3! Asked for cigarettes while she just continued wirelessing to some bint beside her.

I think they have a camera outside the shop which alerts them to when someone is just about to enter the place, which in turn buys them enough time to arrange some kind of diversionary tactic. Either that or they just fucking hate foreigners.

Prem 11/12 - wk 3

Quite a footballing week...

Arsene's really ripping the arse out of it down at the Emirates,
Man U's cubs are making the game look easy,
Wolves have a 100% record,
The Jock clubs made a right fucking mess of things in Europe (Lennon's boys might make it via the tradesman's entrance though),
Joey (the boy likes his tweets) Barton is off down south to QPR,

... but the best one by far has to be,
Shamrock Rovers have made into the Europa League!

Prem Predos

Villa 2 1 Wolves
Wigan 1 0 QPR
Blackburn 1 1 Everton
Chelsea 3 1 Norwich
Swansea 1 1 Sunderland
Liverpool 2 1 Bolton
Newcastle 2 1 Fulham
Spurs 1 2 City
WBA 2 1 Stoke
Man U 3 0 Arsenal

Prem 11/12 - Week 2

Not really in the mood to analyse this weekend's fixtures in detail due to the shitty bus ride home... why do they even let fat birds on the fucking bus? Some nightmare - waist and height roughly the same dimension - tried to squeeze her tracksuited, mini planet-sized fundament by me in the aisle. Read up on your Isaac Newton (or some other olde boffin), luv - it was always going to be an im-fuckin-possibility. Anyway, I digress...

The Prem offered up some rather interesting results (even though 3 of them finished nowt - nowt) with only City winning at home. Having said that, it would nice to see a few more goals. Here are my predos, for what it's worth...

Sunderland 2 0 Newcastle
Arsenal 0 0 Liverpool
Villa 3 1 Blackburn
Everton 2 1 QPR
Swansea 1 1 Wigan
Chelsea 2 0 WBA
Norwich 1 2 Stoke
Wolves 1 1 Fulham
Bolton 1 1 City
Man U 2 1 Spurs

Dog piss

I was walking down the street yesterday when I noticed a rat-like dog stopping to take a piss by the side of the gutter. Its owners paused and looked on, almost lovingly, while the curious little creature finished it's act of public urination. Now, if a dog stops to take a dump outside, then the owner(s) is expected to scoop the shit up and put it into a bag, so why shouldn't they, when given due warning, also be ready to get a bag ready, place it around the animal's hind quarters, and catch as much urine as they can.

Come on dog owners, take some responsibility for those spoilt little cunts you call pets.

Prem's back!

Going without Premier League football for 3 months is akin to laying off the booze and smokes, well, actually it isn't as difficult, but it's not far off it.

Yes, the best league in the world is back - no thanks to those looting cunts who almost ruined it for everyone else - and like the sporting soap opera it is, who knows what the fuck's going to happen...

Let's start with the champions who are away to WBA on Sunday. Watched United last Sunday in the Community Shield and drooled over the second half performance. Ok, this game falls somewhat into the Mickey Mouse category but when it's Man U against their precocious neighbours, then it becomes a different proposition altogether. WBA, under Roy Hodgson, attained a very creditable 11th spot in last year's campaign and they'll certainly be no pushovers in Sunday's game. Still, they've lost the 7 games at home to United, and I think Sir Alex's boys will do the business. 1-3

Chelsea went and got themselves a new manager, but nowt else seems to have changed for them. They're away to Stoke on Sunday and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the Potters got a result out of this one. Stoke have signed Woodgate from Spurs - I'd like to see this boy get another chance to prove himself; superb in his Leeds days, just a pity that he's been plagued with injury ever since. 1-1

Newcomers Swansea find themselves thrown straight into the melting pot with a visit to the Etihad Stadium (do you remember the days when the names of football grounds were sacrosanct) on Monday. Man City have spent a fortune on young Argentina striker Agüero. He looked the part whenever he came on as a sub for the Argies during this year's Copa, but it'll be interesting to see how he fits into the Prem. Rattle-throwers - you heard me messrs Tevez and Balotelli - must go. The Swans clinched promotion from the Champo, but you get the impression they'll strugle from the start. 3-1

Arsenal are away to Newcastle in tomorrow's late fixture - belting 4-4 last season. I've been an admirer of Wenger for a long time but, alas, I fear his time is coming to an end. Fabregas and Nasri are both on their way out (should have got rid of Fab a year ago) and it's hard to see how they'll make a serious challenge without a major signing. Still too much nonsense going on at the Toon and I wouldn't be surprised if they finish up in a relegation battle. 1-2

Gotta mention QPR before I finish. My ol' mate Smitty was devastated when they got relegated in '96 but always maintained they'd get back up there again. Taarabt, Moroccan midfielder, is the player to watch - he bagged 19 goals in 44 apearances last season (also the first name to appear on my fantasy team). They've got Bolton at home tomorrow. 2-1

Gonna put my reputation as a predofile on the chopping block and pick the final four at the end of this year's campaign:

Man  U (Sneijder or not)
Man City (Tevez or not)
Chelsea (severe lack of new blood)
Liverpool (I think King Kenny is the equivalent of an extra man on the pitch)