Here's an old, scratched record I've played many times before.
The mobile phone (cell phone) isn't the thing that bothers me... it's the pricks, fools, fuckwits, dunderheads, clowns, cunts, arseholes, etc. that so blatantly abuse the gadget in public. There is no place for these people in normal society. Here's what they shouldn't, under any circumstnces, be allowed to do...
...walk about the streets, on flights of stairs, getting on/off buses, etc., like farts in a trance, staring at the phone. Normal people should be permitted to bump into/ trip up these idiots.
...talk really loudly on the phone when in public places. What is it with these cunts? Are they so emotionally fucked up that they have to let others know they have at least one friend in the world?
...wear those stupid little ear pieces or big cunting headphones.
...not use the stupid ear pieces or big cunting headphones when they're listening to music. You know the type of retard I'm referring to - the one who walks around playing crappy music on their phone, wrongly thinking that they're entertaining everyone else.
...have an annoying ring tone. This is just plain, common fucking sense.
...leave the phone sitting in front of you when in a reastaurant, etc. What, are you the only fucking person in the world with a mobile phone?
Whilst drunk on the street the other week, I was hassled by the filth. When I tried pointing out to them that more serious, mobile phone related crimes were taking place right beside us, did they listen? Did they fuck!
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Sunday, 20 November 2011
Friday, 4 November 2011
The dog's...
...bollocks, knackers, balls, etc.
1. When one thinks they are better than others (presumably because a dog can lick its own balls).
Usage: I can't stand that smug bastard... he thinks he's the dog's knackers.
2. When something is really good.
Usage: Nice motor, mate... it's the dog's.
I used this expression in front of the missus a while ago, and I've been really chuffed at how she has incorporated it into her everyday conversation.
I've been making a real effort to use as many similar expressions from the old country, not only to educate others but also so that they don't fall into disuse in my own conversation. Here are a few other animal related sayings:
As odd as cats' shite / dogs' balls
I've never owned a cat or a dog so I can't say for certain whether either of these statements are true. I can only assume that some eagle-eyed cat owner once noticed that their cat never seemed to leave any shit lying around, and that some perverted dog owner got his jollies by feeling his pet's clangers.
Usage: I wouldn't leave my kids with him... he's as odd as cats' shite.
As tight as a gnat's chuff / duck's ass
This one needs a bit more clarification when teaching the foreigner how to use it: (1) a gnat is a small fly (2) a chuff is another word for the vagina. You don't need to own a gnat to figure out that its gash must be pretty tight, well, compared to a woman's (bitchy gnats might sit around gossiping, "look at her, she's as loose as a regular sized fly"). The duck's ass reference is to with it being water tight. In both cases, they refer to people as miserable cunts, unwilling to spend money.
Usage: You haven't bought a fucking round all night... you're as tight as a gnat's chuff!
Hung like a donkey / stallion
You only really need to explain the word hung and the rest falls into place.
Usage: Would I be guilty of racial stereotyping if I said all black men are hung like donkeys?
I couldn't give a monkey's (fuck / toss)
Basically means that one couldn't give a fuck.
Usage: I'm leaving you, taking the kids, and shacking up with a lesbo.
I couldn't give a monkey's.
It would freeze the balls off a brass monkey
I always thought that this was a nautical term (cannonballs - brass monkey) but I've just read about another connection to actual brass monkeys from China covering their testes. Testes... funny little word. Regardless of its origin, it just basically means to feel very cold.
Usage: Turn on another bar you tight fucker... it's cold enough in here to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
Fucks like a rabbit
Again, I've never watched two rabbits fucking (think the reference is more related to the high reproduction rate than the actual speed of humping). There's got to be an animal lover out there who relaxes in a gentleman's fashion, feeling his dog's balls and watching his rabbits fucking.
Usage: It's said she fucks like the preverbial rabbit. You have a splendid opportunity of engaging in coitis.
The turtle's head
When the stool has already formed, gravity is now in charge, and there's precious little you can do about it... the faecel point of no return.
Usage: Fuck! Forgot me fucking keys... and me with the turtle's head.
The pup with the brown nose
Where the pup is an ample breast, and the nose is the nipple
Usage: Nice pups, luv... can I have the one with the brown nose?
Like a dog with two dicks
To describe someone who is very happy or content about a situation or outcome. This implies that a dog with two cocks would be capable of fucking twice as often, or possibly doubling the stimulation whilst cleaning its undercarriage.
Usage: What happened to him? He's walking about like a dog with two dicks.
Oh, the missus finally agreed to let him put it up her shitter.
...hairs on its neck like a turkey
Not so much an expression as a line from a rowdy little ballad I learned as a lad:
Can you take it in your mouth Mrs Murphy?
Sure it only weighs a quarter of a pound.
It's got hairs on its neck like a turkey
And it squirts when you rub it up and down.
Not sure who Mrs Murphy was, but the line obviously refers to a cock.
1. When one thinks they are better than others (presumably because a dog can lick its own balls).
Usage: I can't stand that smug bastard... he thinks he's the dog's knackers.
2. When something is really good.
Usage: Nice motor, mate... it's the dog's.
I used this expression in front of the missus a while ago, and I've been really chuffed at how she has incorporated it into her everyday conversation.
I've been making a real effort to use as many similar expressions from the old country, not only to educate others but also so that they don't fall into disuse in my own conversation. Here are a few other animal related sayings:
As odd as cats' shite / dogs' balls
I've never owned a cat or a dog so I can't say for certain whether either of these statements are true. I can only assume that some eagle-eyed cat owner once noticed that their cat never seemed to leave any shit lying around, and that some perverted dog owner got his jollies by feeling his pet's clangers.
Usage: I wouldn't leave my kids with him... he's as odd as cats' shite.
As tight as a gnat's chuff / duck's ass
This one needs a bit more clarification when teaching the foreigner how to use it: (1) a gnat is a small fly (2) a chuff is another word for the vagina. You don't need to own a gnat to figure out that its gash must be pretty tight, well, compared to a woman's (bitchy gnats might sit around gossiping, "look at her, she's as loose as a regular sized fly"). The duck's ass reference is to with it being water tight. In both cases, they refer to people as miserable cunts, unwilling to spend money.
Usage: You haven't bought a fucking round all night... you're as tight as a gnat's chuff!
Hung like a donkey / stallion
You only really need to explain the word hung and the rest falls into place.
Usage: Would I be guilty of racial stereotyping if I said all black men are hung like donkeys?
I couldn't give a monkey's (fuck / toss)
Basically means that one couldn't give a fuck.
Usage: I'm leaving you, taking the kids, and shacking up with a lesbo.
I couldn't give a monkey's.
It would freeze the balls off a brass monkey
I always thought that this was a nautical term (cannonballs - brass monkey) but I've just read about another connection to actual brass monkeys from China covering their testes. Testes... funny little word. Regardless of its origin, it just basically means to feel very cold.
Usage: Turn on another bar you tight fucker... it's cold enough in here to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
Fucks like a rabbit
Again, I've never watched two rabbits fucking (think the reference is more related to the high reproduction rate than the actual speed of humping). There's got to be an animal lover out there who relaxes in a gentleman's fashion, feeling his dog's balls and watching his rabbits fucking.
Usage: It's said she fucks like the preverbial rabbit. You have a splendid opportunity of engaging in coitis.
The turtle's head
When the stool has already formed, gravity is now in charge, and there's precious little you can do about it... the faecel point of no return.
Usage: Fuck! Forgot me fucking keys... and me with the turtle's head.
The pup with the brown nose
Where the pup is an ample breast, and the nose is the nipple
Usage: Nice pups, luv... can I have the one with the brown nose?
Like a dog with two dicks
To describe someone who is very happy or content about a situation or outcome. This implies that a dog with two cocks would be capable of fucking twice as often, or possibly doubling the stimulation whilst cleaning its undercarriage.
Usage: What happened to him? He's walking about like a dog with two dicks.
Oh, the missus finally agreed to let him put it up her shitter.
...hairs on its neck like a turkey
Not so much an expression as a line from a rowdy little ballad I learned as a lad:
Can you take it in your mouth Mrs Murphy?
Sure it only weighs a quarter of a pound.
It's got hairs on its neck like a turkey
And it squirts when you rub it up and down.
Not sure who Mrs Murphy was, but the line obviously refers to a cock.
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